Apnas opens with arguments in Pakisani households, and everyone acting like children. Amongst them, Majid (Asim Ashraf) – now a hot-headed twat, calling himself MK, who has had a lifelong sibling rivalry with cousin Awais (James Greaney), who has a white girlfriend, Elenor (Mollie Winnard), who he has to hide her from the family, for fear of their disapproval.
This is because the common practice of “not being a complete dick” has not yet filtered down to his family.
Sanaya (Haiesha Mistry), the quiet daughter of the family, narrates the film while she’s being prepared for the moronic practice of an arranged marriage, while MK is shown torturing a man who stole from him, whilst also sporting the most terrible of bowl haircuts; and getting Awais involved in his activities, who ends up telling his family his money comes from crypto, since being a criminal wouldn’t go down too well.
And when they get money that needs to laundered… well, all those vape shops and Turkish barbers will help.
Unfortunately, despite being a surprise hit that has ended up having more screenings as the weeks go on, rather than reducing – and even when The Super Mario Galaxy Bollocks takes up 99% of them – Apnas (which translates as ‘Our Own’) comes across as all feeling rather flat, and just the Pakistani version of Top Boy, which has been done before, and far better.
Apparently, a lot of the filming was done in my hometown of Stockport. I briefly saw a clip of Stockport College, but I presume the rest must’ve either been unfamiliar backstreets, or within buildings. It’s not like they’ll have the money to spend to cordon off an entire main road for filming, for example.
Oh, and thanks to the pricks in the row behind me, who – despite my asking – kept putting their feet on the backs of the seats in front of them, which made my entire row shake. This is a habit for people in their 20s, mostly, and they somehow struggle to keep their feet on the ground. If you can’t sit properly in a cinema, then stay the fuck home.
On the plus side, after I saw the carnage, these scruffs twats they left, it included a pratically-untouched nacho tray, which won’t have been cheap. And if you’re wondering whether you were amongst the group of six I’m referring to, the screening was at 6.15pm last Sunday, and you were all sat in row D. Even the teenagers in Hoppers were easier to deal with!
NOTE: There are no mid- nor post-credits scenes.
Apnas is in cinemas now, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD. However, once announced, it will appear on the New DVD Blu-ray 3D and 4K releases UK list.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 118 minutes
Release date: April 3rd 2026
Studio: AFA Productions, Little Monk Pictures
Aspect ratio: 2.39:1
Rating: 2/10
Directors: Ashley Chin, Darren RL Gordon
Producers: Fiaz Ashraf, Nadia Jaynes
Screenplay: Adrian Scott
Cast:
Majid Khan: Asim Ashraf
Awais Khan: James Greaney
Sanaya Khan: Haiesha Mistry
Gulshan Khan: Bitu Thomas
DS Ali Javid: Ash Tandon
Elenor Elmsley: Mollie Winnard
Aslam Khan: Nitin Ganatra
Ozy Masood: Nohail Nazir Mohammed
Riz Masood: Aqib Khan
DS Ray Yardely: Mark Smalley
Yasir Abbas: Ijaz Rana
Jake: Tommy Egan
Imam: Ahmed Elmusrati
Big Dee: Saqib Murtza
Chico: Reuben J Virdee
Toni: Codi Aspinall
DS Victor Simms: Nick Pearse
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.