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Cucumber, banana and tofu are the stages of male sexual arousal, and the first in a new series from Russell T Davies
This first entry in the series, and the trilogy, concentrated on Henry (Vincent Franklin) and Lance (Cyril Nri), a couple who have been together for 9 years but for whom all is not well. Lance wants to get married while the thought of commitment frightens Henry. They go through the processes of what would happen if you cheat on your partner, as well as each watching porn separately rather than be together… although couldn’t that also apply to straight couples as well? Yes, is the answer.
The Russell T Davies fantasy world sees the first episode focusing mainly on Henry, with the couple going into fancy bars where one of their friends is scared because his “spunk” is curdled and yellow. There’s also Henry being drawn instantly to who are clearly the only other customers in a supermarket, as he notices them feel the *thwack* of a firm banana or cucumber in their hand. His young colleague Dean (Fisayo Akinade) is wearing a special chastity belt, apparently put on by a particular man in town who forces you to wear it for two weeks, and he’s ‘locked up’ over 50 men into this situation. Dean’s happy to show it off to anyone who’ll ask – or just take his pants down anyway. He lives with Freddie (Freddie Fox), who is bi, also works in Henry’s canteen, and it seems Freddie and Dean just had sex for something to do.
The episode also brought into play one’s desire for having a good time never dying as you get older, it just lies in wait to strike again; there’s obessessing over Ryan Reynolds, and also the embarrassment of neighbours telling you they can see you as you masturbate through the thin curtains… and so can their children! The children!! Will someone please think of the children!!
Alas, Davies also throws in lazy assumptions like all gay men get a black cab into Manchester town centre, all gay men listen to Kylie, and in fact, every single man in the town is gay! I’m straight, so perhaps I’m not the best person to try and counter these assumptions, but in the Russell T Davies fantasy world, if you’re straight, you’re just a gay man waiting to come out! That was certainly an element of Queer as Folk, which I really enjoyed back in the day, but Cucumber just feels like a load of self-indulgent tosh.
Oh, and Cucumber also proferred one very unrealistic ideal as fact: Cyril Nri was served a pint in a nightclub in a PROPER GLASS! That NEVER happens!
I get the impression that each episode will each focus more on different characters, hence why, here, we only saw a brief glimpse for Julie Hesmondhalgh as Cleo, Henry’s sister, Hesmondhalgh being best known to TV views as the late Hayley Cropper from Coronation Street, the first transgender character in a British soap opera.
Go to page 2 for a look at Banana and Tofu.
After Cucumber came Banana, focusing on younger relationships, the first episode continuing the story of Dean. One problem is that, if you only have access to Freeview channels, while you can watch Channel 4 in HD, you can only watch E4 in SD.
And then came Tofu, an online ‘sex manual’ with chat from various talking heads. It’s on 4OD only, which never does anything n HD.
There’s cast members and various members of the public, talking about good sex and bad sex in this first episode, plus a futuristic vignette, where everyone watches everything through ‘Google Glass’-style glasses, so a variety of information is depicted in front of them in chart and ratings form, while emails and videos appear on the window of your taxi, and you can even rate the sexual adequacy of your latest conquest for everyone to see – like a more sexual version of Plenty of Fish and giving us a near-future glimpse that we’ve also seen recently in Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror series.
And you’re forced to watch adverts before Tofu starts!
At a near-two hours a week for the whole trilogy (Cucumber runs for an hour, including adverts. Banana for 30 mins, and Tofu a mere 11 mins 53 seconds), and for something which was below average as a whole, the chances of me coming back for second helping are not… fruitful. In fact, nveer mind the firmness of a cucumber, this show was a flop.
The first episode of Cucumber had far less than the hour’s worth of content we had to sit through, and while Banana continues the story, the trailer which I’ve seen for episode two, Scottie’s Story, seems rather more interesting as a young black girl finds the object of her desire in a middle-aged woman played by Rosie Cavaliero (Prey, Jam & Jerusalem, and a million other things – if her name doesn’t ring a bell, you’ll know her as soon as you see her).
But whether you watch any more of this trilogy, look on the bright side – at least Russell T Davies doesn’t get to ruin Doctor Who any more. (We have Steven Moffat to do that for us).
Catch up with all three shows on 4OD at these links: Cucumber, Banana and Tofu.
Overall Score: 4/10
Cucumber credits:
Director: David Evans
Producer: Matt Strevens
Screenplay: Russell T Davies
Music: Murray Gold
Cast:
Henry Best: Vincent Franklin
Lance Sullivan: Cyril Nri
Dean Monroe: Fisayo Akinade
Freddie Baxter: Freddie Fox
Saul: Jan Uddin
Max: Jamie Zubairi
Steve: Andy Burke
Jules: Christian Dixon
Raymond: Darren Lawrence
Cliff Costello: Con O’Neill
Sunil Merchandani: Sagar Arya
Cleo Whitaker: Julie Hesmondhalgh
Tofu credits:
Director: Benjamin Cook
Producer: Michaela Eccleston
Cast:
Dan: Charles Russell
Becca: Emma Tierney
Dan’s Boss: Chris Baxendale
Jenna: Ashlie David
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.
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