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Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family shows that if you going to make a documentary, these days, it HAS to have the name of the presenter included, as if viewers are so thick that they not only must be led to water, but also forced to drink it.
Danny Dyer has never struck me as someone who has anything of worth to contribute to the world, but has made a living by being a ‘cockney geezer’ and swearing a lot. He’d occasionally make films, but they’d certainly be nothing that would trouble the Oscars community every February. However, just over 5 years ago, he seemed to have made the best use of his ‘shouting cockney’ talents by being a shouting cockney landlord in Eastenders, and helping prop up the ratings of the ailing BBC soap.
This two-part series has come about after he found out on Who Do You Think You Are?, that he’s directly related to King Edward III, who lived from 1312-1377, and who ruled from 1327 until his death.
No doubt Danny Dyer will also stay there until his death, but then he’s so free of ideas that he also called his first daughter by his name, albeit as ‘Dani’. This didn’t follow with his other offspring, however, so at least he’s not as bad as George Foreman, who gave his name to all six of his children…
He begins with King Rollo, who was around in 846 AD, declaring, “I do feel like I need to get Viking’d out of my brain”, although I remember King Rollo from the BBC cartoon series in the ’80s. An expert tells him, “He was certainly a bad-ass from the moment he could speak”, so that appeals to Dyer.
It’s quite grim when he splits apart a sheep’s head with an axe, while flies crawl all over it, but again, he’s trying to recreate the way Vikings lived and as he adds, “A bit of French mustard wouldn’t go amiss”, but after eating some of it, he admits, “Let’s get involved in something which ain’t gonna make me spew me ring up, eh?”
Danny Dyer also goes hunting boar like a Norman lord (well, pretending to hunt), he wears a robe of piss like Frances’ King Louis IX, he claimsm to attempt to live like his ancestors, albeit using modern language like “Have some of tha’!”; and whenever he talks to anyone about his new-found status, he always sounds like he’s about to give them the mafia kiss of death.
Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family concludes next Wednesday on BBC1 at 9pm, but is not yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
You can watch each episode on BBC iPlayer for 30 days after transmission.
Episode 1 Score: 3/10
Director: Sue Hills
Producer: Anna Kirkwood
Sound: Sam Diamond
Presenter: Danny Dyer
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.