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Haunted Mansion is set in New Orleans, including the very corner on which the opening funeral march was filmed in Live And Let Die. That was the high point of this.
Ben Matthias (LaKeith Stanfield – Uncut Gems) is an astrophysisist, but after meeting ghost-based tour guide Gabbie (Rosario Dawson – Zombieland: Double Tap), he seems to instantly change occupation by the next time we see him, without any explanation.
However, after Gabbie and son Travis (Chase W Dillon) move in to their huge new abode, the house scares them out. Father Kent (Owen Wilson – Bliss) is called in to exorcise the ghosts, but feels he also needs Ben’s help, who subsequently pretends to take photos as he goes round – despite being paid handsomely for this, so why not at least put in some effort?
Thanks to having intervened in all this, now Ben’s own flat is haunted, and now full of water. Because reasons, Danny DeVito‘s (The Virgin Suicides) character – Bruce Davis – tags along, lots of spooky stuff happens, and Madame Liota is called to get involved, but she’s Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween Ends) trapped inside a crystal ball, as you do.
The HatBox Ghost (Jared Leto– Zack Snyder’s Justice League) turns up – so-named, because his head is in what looks like a hat-box – and has 999 souls, so just needs one more and he can disappear forever. Whose will he take? Danny because he’s old? Ben because he’s widowed? Someone else, or some, none or all of them? Oh, the an-ti-ci-pa-tion.
Beyond all this, the film just rambles on and on and on…
However, it was nice to see Marilu Henner (Taxi) pop up in an early cameo, as one of two tourists called Carol. Perhaps it would’ve been more interesting to follow her day, instead. And that’s not just because Ms Henner may well be 71, but was rocking a short skirt and boots combo!
On a techncial point, there was some ridiculous directing with conversations – as often seen these days – where, in this case, Ben and Gabbie are chatting, but rather than have them onscreen at the same time, he’s on the right of the screen, facing to the right. She’s on the left, facing the left… yet they’re talking to each other. That always looks odd. Stop it.
And now, onto the audience. Oh, Good Lord…
I usually sit fairly close to the screen, partly for a good view, and partly because all the loudmouths go to the back. And they did, as I heard some waffling away from a few rows back. I did hope they’d shut up.
Mmm… nope. Presumably, someone pointed out their failings early on, because this family of four (2 adults, young son and daughter) bimbled down the stairs AND SAT IN THE ROW IN FRONT OF ME!!! For crying out loud…
I was in the aisle seat, in the right-hand section of the auditorium (screen 3, so viewing the centre of the screen) so in front, from left to right was: woman’s bag, the mum, the daughter, the dad, the son.
Son would often talk to Dad. Dad would reply back in normal speaking voice, not hushed tones – even though everyone else was TRYING TO WATCH A CHUFFING FILM! Shushing didn’t help much, either.
Twice each during the 2-hour film, Dad took son to the toilet, and Mum took daughter to the toilet. Presumably, Mum and Dad also used the toilet, because every time they went out, they came back with more drinks including pints of lager (for Mum and Dad – again – presumably).
At one point, Mum took her phone out to look something up for a few minutes. The phone light was bright. Had she not quickly reduced the brightness, I would’ve said something. Sadly, still getting the phone out is something people do. Because they are cunts!
Without giving spoilers, there’s a big scene towards the end to resolve a situation, approximately 8 minutes before the end credits begin. They chose that moment to get up and leave. Shame it wasn’t almost two hours earlier…
Haunted Mansion is in cinemas now, but isn’t yet available to buy on any home formats.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 123 minutes
Release date: August 11th 2023
Studio: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures International
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic Panavision, ARRIRAW (4.5K))
Cinema: Cineworld Didsbury
Rating: 2/10
Director: Justin Simien
Producers: Jonathan Eirich, Dan Lin
Writer: Katie Dippold
Music: Kris Bowers
Cast:
Ben Matthias: LaKeith Stanfield
Gabbie: Rosario Dawson
Father Kent: Owen Wilson
Harriet: Tiffany Haddish
Bruce Davis: Danny DeVito
Madame Leota: Jamie Lee Curtis
Travis: Chase W Dillon
Crump / The Hatbox Ghost: Jared Leto
William Gracey: JR Adduci
Mariner Ghost: Creek Wilson
Hatchet Ghost: Ben Bladon
The Bride: Lindsay Lamb
Alyssa: Charity Jordan
Ezra: Fedor Steer
Phineas: Terence Rosemore
Gus: Mike Benitez
Eleanor Gracey: Erika Coleman
Carol Tourists: Kathi Callahan, Marilu Henner
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.