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Nosferatu opens with Ellen Hutter (Lily-Rose Depp) inadvertently waking up local oddity Count Orlok (Bill Skarsgård – The Crow (2024)), not directly, but simply complaining about being lonely, which he picks up from a distance like the Batfink signal.
Set in Dickensian Germany, 1838, the visuals look fantastic, but that’s the most positive thing I can say about this latest snorefest from Robert Eggers, the most overrated writer/director of modern times, after the tedious The Witch, and the coma-inducing The Northman. He really is the latest The Emperor’s New Clothes.
For want of a plot, Dracula – basically – wants to move to their town, and Ellen’s other half, Thomas (Nicholas Hoult – The Menu), is tasked with completing all the paperwork, but since it can’t be done online, he has to take a six-week trip over to his spooky castle. On the plus side with this, his boss, Herr Knock, is played by Simon McBurney (Allied), giving a brilliant, maniacal turn.
Since Thomas will be out and about for a while, wifey goes off to stay with their friends, Friedrich (Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Kraven The Hunter) and Anna Harding (Emma Corrin – The Crown Season 4), even taking the cat, but while the Count’s new abode looks like a ‘before’ on ‘Homes Under The Hammer’, Nosferatu is arty-farty, like a Calvin Klein advert, but with blood.
Willem Dafoe (Kinds Of Kindness) and Ralph Ineson (The First Omen) just turn up to cash the cheque, and I’ve seen better dialogue on Acorn Antiques!
God knows how this managed to drone on for 132 minutes. It’s just one load of random bollocks after another!
Eggers’ The Northman committed the cardinal sin of, like Babygirl, being filmed in the weird ratio of 2.00:1, which suits no cinema movies at all. Nosferatu also eschews the conventional ratios of 1.85:1 and 2.39:1, by opting for the narrow 1.66:1. At least that won’t end up windowboxed, but while I got to see it on a 1.85:1 screen, most cinema screens are 2.39:1, so you’ll just end up with a very narrow image and a lot of black space. The same will soon happen for The Brutalist, and that one runs over three-and-a-half-hours, albeit including a 15 minute interval!
NOTE: There are no mid- or post-credit scenes.
Nosferatu is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on 4K Blu-ray, 4K Blu-ray Steelbook, Blu-ray and DVD, ahead of its release date TBA.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 132 minutes
Release date: January 1st 2025
Studio: Universal Pictures
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1 (35mm)
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 1/10
Director: Robert Eggers
Producers: Chris Columbus, Eleanor Columbus, Robert Eggers, John Graham, Jeff Robinov
Screenplay: Robert Eggers
Music: Robin Carolan
Cast:
Ellen Hutter: Lily-Rose Depp
Thomas Hutter: Nicholas Hoult
Count Orlok: Bill Skarsgård
Friedrich Harding: Aaron Taylor-Johnson
Anna Harding: Emma Corrin
Prof. Albin Eberhart von Franz: Willem Dafoe
Dr. Wilhelm Sievers: Ralph Ineson
Herr Knock: Simon McBurney
Clara: Adéla Hesová
Louise: Milena Konstantinova
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.