Resident Evil Cinema

• Cert:
• Running time: 100 minutes
• Year: 2002
• Released: 12th July 2002
• Widescreen Ratio: 1.85:1
• Decibel Level: Unhealthy
• Rating: 2/10

Director:

(Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier)

Cast:

Wanted:Scantily clad bimbette to slink down dark hallways and fightundead monsters. Should be able to work on own initiative. Regular breaks(for incomprehensible plot exposition). Non-smoker preferred. Must have owncrotch length cocktail dress.

With a recruitment poster like that, how could this film fail? The answer:allow Paul Anderson to direct it. The artiste who brought us theexcruciating Soldier returns with this plotless abomination based on thepopular video game. If that fact alone is not enough of a reason to avoidseeing this, you obviously didn’t catch Tomb Raider.

It starts promisingly enough with a tense and well staged prologue in whichthe employees of a huge global corporation named Umbrella are trappedinside their underground office network, The Hive. The reason for this?Unbeknownst to most of their employees, Umbrella are involved in geneticmodification and viral experimentation, so when someone releases the deadly”T-Virus” into the environment, the computer that controls The Hive locksall the doors and shuts up shop. Cue bad ass soldier types to the rescue.

Now, I’m a fan of the game, particularly the atmosphere it manages tocreate and this atmosphere is evident in some early scenes, full ofmarbled mansion rooms and ornate statues. We’re introduced to Jovovich’scharacter and for a moment or two it looks like the format of the game isgoing to be adopted, with puzzle solving and survival skills to the fore,but this is quickly abandoned in favour of running down dank corridors,being chased by mutant rottweilers and zombified accountants. There is oneclever scene involving negotiating a deadly laser infested room which is adelightfully fiendish concoction, but it only serves to annoy the audienceby making them wish they were watching the far superior Cube instead.

Call me a sentimental fool but, if you ask me, zombie movies have twobasic, fundamental requirements: zombies munching people real good andpeople hacking up zombies even gooder. Not this film though, oh no. Not onejugular ruptures, not one bullet hits a blood squib, not one decapitationis shown on-screen. Well, there is one, but it happens after the fact andit looked like CGI. What’s the point? What this movie lacks is a sense ofits own ridiculousness that made something like Dog Soldiers so much fun.

Anderson equates headache inducing heavy metal music with excitement andmistakes ear-splitting sound effects for shocks, which he invariablytelegraphs a week in advance. On the plus side, Jovovich’s outfits rangefrom the skimpy to the nonexistent. When we first see her she’s wearing ashower curtain; towards the end she’s in some sort of bib/apron ensemble.Oh, and her acting is decent enough. Rodriguez’s don’t-fuck-with-me toughgirl scowl becomes tiresome after the 17th or 18th time, while the othernameless, faceless participants merely make up the numbers.