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Sex Box shows us a box. But no sex. So, we’re seeing the wrong thing out of the two.
It’s the titilating programme without any tits (other than one of the presenters) where they have a comofortable sofa on which to sit and interview people, but instead they prefer to sit the willing participants on hard stairs outside the dirt boxes… I mean, boxes where dirty things happen within. Since the first series lasted seven episodes all the way back in October 2013, I thought we’d escaped any more of this, but no. And Mariella Frostrup and Tracey Cox have, respectively, been replaced by Steve Jones and Goedele Liekens, the latter of whom has the made-up job of “sexologist”.
This first episode began with Kayleigh took Faye, two attractive lesbians, or rather one lesbian and one lipstick-lesbian bi-curious girl who is going off men. A bit like Ross’ ex-girlfriend in Friends. The former took the latter to “pop her lesbian cherry” as Steve Jones declared, earlier stating Faye’s intentions were “So, ‘I’m not bisexual, but I’m willing to learn?'”, basically nicking Homer Simpson’s joke about being dumped by girls in school, one telling him, “I’m not gay, but I’ll learn!”, from I Love Lisa (Season 4, Episode 5)
Goedele suggested they each “Write the alphabet on her… genitals” while a female member of the audience gave the tip: “Go for the clit and then get in there as well. Don’t be afraid to *give* it some” and formed her fingers to stimulate her partner, one set for the ‘poo’ and one for the ‘goo’. Stay classy!
Upon their climax, I mean, exit from the box, they confirmed there was “kissing, touching and caressing”, then some mutual oral, lots of girly giggling, and Kayleigh’s “trick” was maintaining her pace. From her outfit, she looked like she could be turning tricks when she left the studio. No fingers were used, however. That’s nice to know. Faye told us she orgasmed a lot quicker than with a guy, and was classed as ‘exceptionally good’ by her new beau.
When asked if they were happy that they did this on Sex Box, they lied and said yes.
Two women together is every straight man’s fantasy… as long as they can join in, so Channel 4 missed a trick by following that pairing up with a man and a woman, Julian and Courtney. Goedele established she was not a member of the ‘penetration police’, encouraging them just to massage each other with their bodies. Did they do the do while ‘scissoring’. No, but her hand went near his “bum hole”. All the information we didn’t need to know1
Finally, came (f’nar, f’nar) Luke and Rosemary, a man and woman who were very good friends and were about to become a couple for the first time. He would like more than a one-night (or programme) stand, while she didn’t care for a permanent ‘friends with benefits’. Having entered the first box, last entertained by Faye and Kayleigh – who I hope cleaned up after themselves, we next saw them after the event. Both were shown IN the box (not literally for Luke) looking rather embarrassed, him putting up all ten fingers – possibly as a score of out of ten or he might’ve been on the way to wash them, and her claiming she was fine. When they were out of there, Rosemary looked like she was doing the walk of shame, full of regret, yet trying to (badly) put a brave face on it. Did they orgasm? She seemed genuine when answering in the positive, while he exclaimed, “Oh, *I* did!”
And for six people who have been in a box and ‘explored’ each other, none of them came out with a hair out of place. Hopefully there was a post-coital washbasin in there. There was certainly a hairbrush!
And for a programme that was all about sex, not once did we see human genitals – only those belonging to animals. WTF?!
One woman in the vox pops said she was aiming to sleep with 100 men, and so far she’s up to 58. It’s easy for women, though. Less so for men.
Steve also showed us lickthisapp.com, an app on his iPad where you have to lick the screen up and down. Morelike Steve’s been licking windows. However, it didn’t stop him positioning the indignity of placing the tablet in front of his genitals and getting a lad from the audience to protrude their tongue. It was clear that Mr Jones wanted to remove the device so the lad went down on him.
And why Steve Jones? He made a leaden job out of a script from the often reliable Aiden Spackman and Shaun Pye, killing any humour that only attracted chuckles from laughter in a can. Jones has also hosted a tired dating show on E4, then got the job commentating on Channel 4’s F1 coverage, and now he’s hosting this. This talentless lump clearly knows where ALL the bodies are buried!!
Score out of ten? I’ll give it one…
Sex Box continues next Monday on Channel 4 at 10pm and will never be released on Blu-ray or DVD. If you missed the episode, you can watch it on All 4. Or just not bother.
Also, click on the top-right image of the gruesome twosome for the full-size version.
Episode 1 Score: 1/10
Director: Warren Smith
Writers: Aiden Spackman and Shaun Pye
Music: Soundbyte
Host: Steve Jones
Sexologist: Goedele Liekens
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.