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We’ll Never Have Paris is an actor/writer/co-director project for Simon Helberg as Quinn, a nerdy Jewish commitment-phobe in New York, having problems with his eyesight, debating with the idea of proposing to his girlfriend, Devon (Melanie Lynskey), even though they’ve been together for 10 years, so it’s high time he made an honest woman of her. That said, they started as highschool sweethearts, so as the time finally comes to settle down, should he really try sleeping with other girls?
Given that he wrote the film, he can also write in that every other hot girl bafflingly seems to find him insanely sexy, including Taken‘s Maggie Grace as Kelsey, his colleague at a flower shop where they work, as she tells him she’s in love with him, just as he lets her know that he’s about to propose to Devon.
Zachary Quinto (Star Trek Into Darkness) plays his best friend Jameson, who just turns up to be Quinn’s sounding board for a time, whilst looking like some sort of bohemian, ordering bizarre Lego from overseas, making cocktails, and corning his own beef… if that’s possible.
We’ll Never Have Paris is rather Woody Allen-lite and starts off well, but loses some steam as it reaches Paris, and then runs out in the third act as it descends into an unfeasible farce. That said, this is the first time I’ve seen Simon Helberg, and I expect we’ll get much better from him in future as there’s certainly the seeds of that here.
Overall, this is definitely one of those comedies that looked a lot funnier in the trailer. It gets bogged down in the ‘will they/won’t they marry’ trope – we’ve been here a million times before, and this doesn’t do anything particularly different.
The disc I reviewed didn’t have any extras, subtitles or proper chaptering, so I can’t tell if the finish product is representative of this.
Film only: 4/10
We’ll Never Have Paris is released on May 16th on DVD, and check out the full-size cover by clicking on the packshot.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 92 minutes
Year: 2014
Distributor: Metrodome Distribution
Released: April 18th 2016
Languages: English
Aspect ratio: 1.85:1
Director: Simon Helberg
Producers: Robert Ogden Barnum, Simon Helberg, Katie Mustard and Jocelyn Towne
Screenplay: Simon Helberg
Music: Samuel Jones and Alexis Marsh
Cast:
Quinn: Simon Helberg
Devon: Melanie Lynskey
Kelsey: Maggie Grace
Jameson: Zachary Quinto
Jean: Judith Light
Terry: Alfred Molina
Kurt: Jason Ritter
Leah: Meredith Hagner
Neighbor: Geoffrey Cantor
Francoise: Dana Ivey
Isaac: Jamil Mena
Nurse: Lizan Mitchell
Guillaume: Ebon Moss-Bachrach
Phillipe: Fritz Weaver
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.