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Wonka… Willy Wonka… portrayed in this new film by Timothée Chalamet (Dune Part One), and he begins by railing against the Tories’ stupid ‘Stop the Boats’ policy, by sailing across the sea to make his fortune in London, given that he’s good at making chocolate, even though there are plenty of stores already.
I absolutely loved 1971’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with Gene Wilder, and it is a shame that the sequel novel, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, wasn’t also continued on the big screen, but then Wilder’s film wasn’t exactly a massive success at the box office, and became more affectionately known to all later in its time, rather too late for a sequel to be considered, I expect.
Dubbed at the start as ‘A Paul King Confection’ (ho ho), our titular lead comes to seek his fortune with almost no money, and finds himself staying with Mrs. Scrubbit (Olivia Colman – The Crown Season 6 Part 2) ands Bleacher (Tom Davis – The Curse), the latter of whom picks him up off the street, reminding me of when I went interrailing with 1992 with a friend from Uni, and when we got to Prague, there were hoardes of strange men offering rooms for rent, one basically leading us from there and via a bus (which he paid for) to get to said building, and to the room, itself. It all felt like we were going to be bundled in a sack and thrown in the cellar, but after it worked out okay, my friend, Nigel, surprised me by producing a knife which I hadn’t seen at all during the trip, adding, “Just in case” 😉
Anyhoo, after struggling to pay his first night’s board, he’s imprisoned and finds himself amongst long-term captives Noodle (Calah Lane), Abacus Crunch (Jim Carter – Transformers: The Last Knight), Lottie Bell (Rakhee Thakrar – Karen Pirie), Piper Benz (Natasha Rothwell – Wish) and Larry Chucklesworth (Rich Fulcher – Still Up), all of them rather unhappy with their lot, being forced to pay their debts by cleaning clothes all day every day, paying it off at one sovereign per day.
In a bid to pay off his debt to Mrs Scrubbit – as opposed to just striking back because one night’s stay has shot up from 1 sovereign to 10,000 – our Wonks makes chocolate by day, finding a way to escape long enough without being noticed, so he can make it, sell it and return. At one point this requires the use of giraffe milk, making me think of the different types of milk brought up in Lee & Herring’s This Morning With Richard Not Judy, including “the milk of human kindness”. Thankfully, it didn’t go that far 😉
However, what follows is very much a mixed bag, since while there’s some humour such as the taps in their hovel-like conditions being labelled ‘cold’ and ‘colder’, and with Wonka commenting “I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers” (a callback to A Streetcar Named Desire), and a funny moment where Father Julius’ (Rowan Atkinson) monks were chanting “Good morning, Father” – along with their entire monologue – as if they were delivering a regular prayer; sadly, at times, it’s stupidly cartoon-like, such as one character getting a cosh over the head, plus, it goes out of its way to have a overly diverse cast, even to the point where Keegan-Michael Key‘s Chief of Police is as white as Meghan Markle!
I’ll add another plus, here, in that Ms Colman is joined by her Peep Show colleague Isy Suttie, aka Dobby, who has a cameo early on as the Fruit & Veg Vendor, along with Paterson Joseph as rival chocolatier Slugworth, as well as Prodnose (Matt Lucas) and Fickelgruber (Mathew Baynton). However, all three only succeed in coming across as a right bunch of arseholes.
And for all of the promotion for this film, Hugh Grant‘s Oompa Loompa doesn’t turn up until an hour in! Once having arrived, he keeps stealing our lead’s chocolate, but we know that eventually, they’ll have to reach an agreement of sorts, given how his entire clan end up working for him in the 1971 movie.
I also didn’t realise there’d be so many awful songs, such as one about Hover-choc (where people can fly, so, a callback to the original film), with a song, announcing “It’s not just chocolate…”, making me wonder: Is it “M&S Chocolate”?
Wonka tries to evoke a feel of the original movie, especially towards the end, but overall… it does feel rather dull and flat, without any charm of the original, and rambles on for far too long. This really makes me feel like Peter Bradshaw’s Guardian review was bought and paid for by the studio.
There’s nothing wrong with Mr Chalamet’s performance, here, but overall, it all feels way too polished, anodyne and unremarkable, and that’s its downfall, since you can’t really get into it. Back in 2005, Johnny Depp made for an incredible Willy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, because he’s Johnny Depp, but the overall film wasn’t brilliant.
However, at one point, certain characters get completely covered in chocolate, looking like Veronica Moser has popped round…
As an aside, there’s quite an easy way that everyone could’ve escaped Scrubbit’s hell hole…
There’s also a sort-of mid-credits scene, but it comes up before you can leave your seat…
Wonka is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on 4K Blu-ray, Blu-ray and DVD, ahead of its release TBA.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 116 minutes
Release date: December 8th 2023
Studio: Warner Bros
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic /i Scope, ARRIRAW (4.5K))
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 4/10
Director: Paul King
Producers: Alexandra Derbyshire, David Heyman, Luke Kelly
Screenplay: Simon Farnaby, Paul King
Characters: Roald Dahl
Music: Joby Talbot
Cast:
Willy Wonka: Timothée Chalamet
Oompa-Loompa: Hugh Grant
Mrs. Scrubbit: Olivia Colman
Bleacher: Tom Davis
Noodle: Calah Lane
Slugworth: Paterson Joseph
Prodnose: Matt Lucas
Fickelgruber: Mathew Baynton
Miss Bon Bon: Freya Parker
Fruit & Veg Vendor: Isy Suttie
Chief of Police: Keegan-Michael Key
Abacus Crunch: Jim Carter
Lottie Bell: Rakhee Thakrar
Piper Benz: Natasha Rothwell
Larry Chucklesworth: Rich Fulcher
Young Willy Wonka: Colin O’Brien
Willy’s Mother: Sally Hawkins
Father Julius: Rowan Atkinson
Gwennie (Mistress of the Keys): Ellie White
Jenkins: Rufus Jones
Basil (Zoo Security Guard): Simon Farnaby
Abacus Crunch’s Wife: Susie Fairfax
Abacus Crunch’s Granddaughter (4 Years Old): Macie Blake
Abacus Crunch’s Granddaughter (8 Years Old): Ellie Blake
Barbara: Charlotte Ritchie
Colin: Phil Wang
Oopa Loompa Guard 1: Ben Howard
Oopa Loompa Guard 2: Muzz Khan
The Countess: Sophie Winkleman
Sceptical Old Man: Ian Bartholomew
Moustachided Little Girl: Lola Shepelev
Orange-Haired Customer: Michael Abubakar
Green-Skinned Customer: Justin Edwards
Green-Bearded Customer: Marina Bye
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.