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I didn't catch a bootleg version of the first 2005 episode when it was doing the rounds, as it became
unavailable quite quickly. I didn't expect too much overall, but did look forward to an audio/visual treat
nonetheless.
Following the opening credits, during which Paul Manners pointed out in his review that the new Doctor's
face doesn't appear, we're introduced to Rose (Billie Piper, right) in a way, with a load of speeded-up
film that panders to the MTv generation, even those they've since grown up.
Rose is shown jumping off the back of a London bus, despite the fact that such buses have long since
been discontinued, as I understand it, because they pose the health hazard that... people might fall
off them(!) Still, like Marty McFly on his skateboard, it enables Rose to hot-foot it to her destination,
working at Harrod's... sorry, Henrik's. Oh, those logos look so familiar - you'd think there isn't any kind
of originality here at all.
A brief introductoin encapsulates Rose's boyfriend, Mickey (Noel Clarke, last seen as Wayne in the
last two series of Auf Wiedersehen Pet) and as the store closes for the night, Rose finds herself
trapped in the basement with shop dummies (aka The Autons) that come to life. Suddenly, amid the atmosphere, we hear what
sounds like a party taking place in the distance... Is this something surreal and ethereal like you'd
expect from
Sapphire and Steel?
No, don't think Russell T Davies is that clever of late. It was a BBC fuck-up as they left the mic open
from Graham "£3.5m BBC exclusive contract" Norton's one and only series to date (they paid extra
for his US 'Effect' show), Strictly Dance Fever, soon to be disappearing faster than Natasha
Kaplinsky's talent into the autocue, and this intrusion lasted for some time. So, after any tension has
been diminished, what's next?
Christopher Eccleston appeared to save Rose and escort her out of there, before blowing it up with
unconvincing CGI, which was followed the next 'day' by dreadful attack by arm of mannequin. It wasn't funny,
it was just shoddy and pointless. It's been 16 years since the last time we were promised a full series
and this is the best they could come up with? Even Metal Mickey couldn't look more out-of-place in today's
television.
And the BBC News 24 broadcast that followed onscreen couldn't even spell the shop name right, calling it
"Hendricks", but then they also think anyone gives a toss about a 92-year-old Labour duffer who died on
the day of the broadcast, so they've really got their priorities arse-about-face.
Camille Coduri goes from totty in 1989's Nuns on the Run to MILF-like quality as Rose's Mum,
but she doesn't have much screen time so I'll comment no further.
In a bid to understand what's going on with the freaky occurences, Rose learns more about Doctor and his past,
by visiting internet nutter Clive Finch (one of the latest actors to turn up on absolutely everything, Mark
Benton), where she discovers Eccleston (right) was even present at the moment where JFK was murdered. Someone else
is about to get creamed as well, as dodgy CGI returns with Mickey being swallowed up by a misbeheaving wheelie
bin. Oh dear.
In the ensuing chaos, as Rose realises her boyfriend is not the man he used to be, there's a few minutes of
decent banter as she and the Doctor get to know each other, along with an introduction into what a TARDIS is
all about, along with a way to get rid of the mannequin problem altogether. However, when they run into a
spot of bother, which prevents them from sorting it out, Eccleston can't escape from a couple of lightweight
shop dummy bouncers and it's left to Piper and her under 7 athletic award to save the day and knock the
antiplastic solution into the latest piss-poor CGI to grace the screen, the Nestene Consciousness itself.
As the day is saved, we've witnessed the cliche that is Rose's Mum getting caught up in the hullabaloo, Mickey
not being dead after all, and Clive getting popped off by a mannequin. (Sigh) It could've been so better than
this.
Never mind 'Rose', I'd rather Russell T Davies had given more than one series of the engaging Manchester-based
drama Bob & Rose. Couple the generally empty dialogue with the fact that no US TV companies bought it,
the SciFi channel ignored it, the £10m cost of the series may be clawed back from eventual DVD sales
this Christmas, but you can bet your life that there won't be any more beyond this 13-episode run.
The only plus about this series is that there could be chemistry between buck-toothed Piper and Eccleston,
and I could understand them going down the camp route if they can pull it off as relatively decent Saturday
evening entertainment - something that's been missing from all channels for a long time. However, if the
scripts are as bad as this, then the audience will disappear fast!
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This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
Following the opening credits, during which Paul Manners pointed out in his review that the new Doctor's
face doesn't appear, we're introduced to Rose (Billie Piper, right) in a way, with a load of speeded-up
film that panders to the MTv generation, even those they've since grown up.
In a bid to understand what's going on with the freaky occurences, Rose learns more about Doctor and his past,
by visiting internet nutter Clive Finch (one of the latest actors to turn up on absolutely everything, Mark
Benton), where she discovers Eccleston (right) was even present at the moment where JFK was murdered. Someone else
is about to get creamed as well, as dodgy CGI returns with Mickey being swallowed up by a misbeheaving wheelie
bin. Oh dear.