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Jurassic World Rebirth… whatever next… Afterbirth?!
First, we go back 17 years to – 2010… yes, it’s ‘now’ 2027, so this is set five years after the last film, Jurassic World Dominion.
Over in Ile Saint-Hubert, they’re creating mutant dinosaurs, but thanks to an errant Snickers wrapper drifting in, this stops the containment door from closing, and thus more Dino Disasters begin, causing the creatures to head off to live around the equator, because elsewhere on Earth, they can’t live properly because… (oh, here we go) …of the climate! FFS!
Moving on to the present day, we soon get a reference back to the first film, as someone is driving in a car with the camera focused on its wing mirror, which states “Objects in the mirror may appear closer“, as we saw when the T-Rex chased Jeff Goldblum.
For the new bunch, Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson – The Phoenician Scheme) lost a friend on a previous expedition… which is a trait in EVERY film. Why do they continue? In fact, everyone appears to have lost someone in this film, leading me to think out of this cast: “I hope no-one hot dies!”
Their plan is to get close to dinosaurs, and because reasons, their blood will cure heart disease. Since the whole shebang is funded by ParkerGenix pharmaceutical company exec Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend – Companion) – who thinks he’s too clever to die – will this cure allow him to make even more money, or will Zora and civilian obvious-Halloween-reference Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey – Wicked Part I) – who learned about dinos under Dr Alan Grant (offscreen. Sam Neill isn’t back) – sneak it away and give it to the world for free without a patent? Answers on a postcar… nah, don’t bother.
Add in a Latino family who get thrown in for added diversity AND just to eek out the running time to far longer than it should be, with the elder daughter bringing along her boyfriend, Xavier, who at one point confirms, “I’m lazy as hell”… and I thought: Was he the scriptwriter?
And in this world, where humans and dinosaurs are meant to coexist, so why is Ed Skrein‘s (Rebel Moon) character (who also tags along) trying to shoot at them, as early as he possibly can?
I didn’t bother with the 3D version for Jurassic World Rebirth. It rarely works for live-action films when it’s only added in post-production, as Captain America: New World Order showed. There’s one scene involving abseiling where it might’ve had an effect, but you more than got that in 2D, anyway, especially if you suffer from vertigo like me.
When you’ve seen enough of this sort of film, you’ll know who’ll die along the way, who’ll be safe, who’ll be made out to be killed yet turn out to be fine, and the fact that they’ll never kill a child – in this case, the family’s younger daughter. This isn’t the IDF, after all.
Still, in this script, at least no-one feels the need to push their sexuality in your face this time. Was it really necessary in 2022, that the black woman told us she was a lesbian? I don’t get round telling everyone I’m straight(!)
Overall, this film really is the laziest shit you’ll see on the big screen all year. After it was over, I saw it was written by David Koepp, who did bring us the original film, but then also gave us the bloody awful second film. He’s clearly learned nothing in the last 28 years. You need to have more in your locker than reheating the first two combined, with everyone seeing dinosaurs, running around screaming, and then putting themselves in danger even more than you were.
It really is the laziest shit I’ve seen on the big screen in a long time.
Still, despite being the worst film since that second one, it’s on course to make a stack of cash, yet again. Jurassic World Dominion somehow cleared just over a billion at the box office, and this is off to a strong start, taking $318m worldwide in its first five days, from Weds July 2nd to Sun July 6th. That said, it would’ve made more if the IMAX screen had been available, but while it is getting some IMAX screenings in China, over here, the IMAX has been chockablock with Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning, How To Train Your Dragon, F1: The Movie, then the forthcoming Superman and The Fantastic Four: First Steps.
And given this is over two hours long, the ‘plot’ is very dragged out. Young kids are going to get bored as the plot is explained along the way, and crap parents are going to be crap and not control them.
Normally, for the screen I was in (Trafford Centre screen 15), it’s fairly empty in the front section of the room (5 rows), with all the chatterboxes usually going to the huge back section, and at least I know, when I’m sat in the back row of that section, I don’t get people right behind me chattering away as there’s physically no chairs.
However, this time, there’s a family who sat on the left-hand side, last few seats of rows C and D (how you see the screen from there, I don’t know), with the D and young daughter in row D, and him letting her just stand up, wander around, chat chat chat…
After a bit of this, I went over and said, “Mate, can you stop her talking, please?” He looked confused, and just gestured towards the girl, as if to say “Take it up with her”, she turned round to me, I went “Sssh!” and then sat back down again. Soon after, he took her out for about 20 minutes while he bought another 300 snacks for the family (aren’t we still in a cost of living crisis?), and on their return, moved forward to row C and kept her sat down for the rest of the film, so my polite request worked, but it shouldn’t have to have happened in the first place.
NOTE: There are no mid- or post-credits scenes.
Jurassic World Rebirth is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on 4K Blu-ray, 4K Limited Edition Blu-ray Steelbook, Blu-ray and DVD.
In the meantime, you can buy the 4K Steelbook Limited Edition for each of the Jurassic Park Trilogy and Jurassic World Trilogy.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 133 minutes
Release date: July 2nd 2025
Studio: 2.39:1
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 1/10
Director: Gareth Edwards
Producers: Patrick Crowley, Frank Marshall
Screenplay: David Koepp
Characters: Michael Crichton
Music: Alexandre Desplat
Cast:
Zora Bennett: Scarlett Johansson
Duncan Kincaid: Mahershala Ali
Dr. Henry Loomis: Jonathan Bailey
Martin Krebs: Rupert Friend
Reuben Delgado: Manuel Garcia-Rulfo
Teresa Delgado: Luna Blaise
Xavier Dobbs: David Iacono
Isabella Delgado: Audrina Miranda
Nina: Philippine Velge
LeClerc: Bechir Sylvain
Bobby Atwater: Ed Skrein
Williams: Adam Loxley
Desanto: Niamh Finlay
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.