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Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge is the first one in the series I’ve watched properly.
I never got into them when they first started, so I gave the first one a try a short while back it was on BBC1 (and yes, in 2.35:1 and Dolby Digital 5.1 – they had got that right by then). Alas, I was a bit tired so wasn’t really giving it my full attention. But… since the fifth one was on the big screen, I figured it might be like Fast and Furious 8 where that would be the best chance to get stuck into them properly – since they’re both action adventures and the cinema is how they’ll come across best.
Pirates 5 opens with a young Henry Turner going underwater to the Dutchman to see his father, Will (Orlando Bloom), who’s trapped and cannot break free. The lad can’t come along with him on this ride, so, unless he can find the Trident of Poseidon (whatever that is), they’ll never meet again. Fast-forward nine years later and present-day Henry (Brenton Thwaites – Gods of Egypt) is on another ship, on which everyone’s coming a cropper as they’re paid a visit by the ghostly Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) – all thanks to them sailing into the “Devil’s Triangle” (sounds like my ex’s undercarriage). Well, the map DOES state that they’ve ventured into “uncharted waters”… even though the area is clearly not ‘uncharted’ enough to have a nickname.
When asked by the Captain to the enemy, “Who are you?”, Salazar replies, “Death!!”
But one person always remains alive – like in Natural Born Killers – and he wants Henry to relay a message to Jack Sparrow, stating he’d do it himself, but “Dead men tell no tales”, hence where the film’s original subtitle came from, and I’m still in two minds as to whether that would’ve been better than Salazar’s Revenge, but then that one does denote it as “the one with Javier Bardem”.
Johnny Depp (still camping it up nicely in Keith Richards mode) first comes into proceedings as the hero when he’s found asleep in a safe, inside a bank which is being stolen by his crew, and what leads to a near-opener which I found very amusing as they don’t only take what they’ve come for, but the entire building. As I stated earlier, this is my first Pirates movie proper, but I had a comment from someone who’d seen all the others and they said they found this scene rather forced. I can see that, and I’d probably feel that way myself as it is all very contrived, but I’m most interested in whether it all works as a piece of entertainment.
And it does, particularly with a number of comic moments early on, such as when Jack somehow parted from the building, and enquires in a store, “I’m looking for a bank”, at which point it rips off the side of the place as it passes. “Found it!”, he chirps.
A couple of other gags, which set the tone, came from new girl Kaya Scodelario (Skins), as the over-upholstered* Carina Smyth, telling Jack: “I don’t want any trouble”, to which he drunkenly replies in bewilderment at her stance, “That’s a terrible way to live!”
(*yes, I’m talking about her heaving bosom)
In addition, she has access to a map which cannot be read, to which Jack tells her that most of the men on his ship can’t read, so that basically accounts for every map(!)
When it comes to the new cast members neither Brenton nor Kaya did anything for me. I don’t get any indication that they’re pushing the boat out (pun not intended) and at one point, they’re out-acted by the wooden post they’re tied to(!) Meanwhile Javier Bardem rarely disappoints, even if the film they’re in is rubbish (see Skyfall… or rather, don’t… and I didn’t go a bundle on No Country For Old Men, either). However, the only thing which did sully his performance was that far too often, when his scenes were dark in tone, the setting was so dark it was almost pitch black, so you could barely make out what was going on. And when your colleagues are also bit-parts of skeleton ghosts, I was first left wondering whether that’s the actual case, or whether someone really needs to flick a light switch(!)
Everyone else is fine, although quite why Kevin McNally is listed as “Kevin R. McNally”, is anyone’s guess. Are there too many “Kevin McNally”s in the acting world already?
There’s also a daft cameo from Paul McCartney as his Uncle Jack. As the lead is being dragged off to be executed, Macca tells him, “Mention my name and they won’t cut your feet off!”
At least he fits in better with this than David Beckham did in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword(!)
I can’t remember what led to a scene with a a wedding between Jack and a woman who looks like she was a participant on The Jeremy Kyle Show, as that felt particularly crowbarred in to beef up the overlong running time, although at 129 minutes it’s the shortest of the series so far – and I’m glad that’s the case. Had it been listed as nearly three hours like some of the earlier entries, then I would’ve bypassed it completely. Rarely does a film need to run for longer than two hours, in my view.
A film is said to be split into three acts, and in this case, the first is very entertaining while the second slows down as it gets into the origins as how Salazar and Sparrow came to be at loggerheads – which features our rather boyish-looking hero when he was younger, and captaining the Dying Gull, but who was playing him? 😉 Anyhoo, I was expecting things to pick up as it came to an end, but… it didn’t, particularly. A few more laughs, but the well of those mostly ran dry after the first third was over.
So, for films 1-4, perhaps I should just go back and watch the first third, then skip to the last 15 minutes when it starts to slow down…
There’s also an almost complete abscene of a plot – the crux of it comes across as an idea rather than something well-throught through. Again, that’s not always a major issue for a summer movie – although more meat on its bones would be nice (pun not intended, given all the dead characters who are still walking about).
Aside from the Trident of Poseidon issue, Salazar wants a special compass, belonging to Jack, so he can become whole again and escape his plight. Quite how that solves things wasn’t explained, unless it was one of many times when the dialogue was drowned out by the score.
If you see the on a regular cinema screen, then the film is presented in 2.35:1. However, it was shot opened up to 1.90:1 (the ratio for digital IMAX), so IMAX screens will show it in that ratio, and in 3D. There were one or two moments that looked like 3D would’ve been fine, but beyond that – nope. It wasn’t shot in 3D and was another post-conversion job, anyway.
Overall, Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge plays out more like a series of set pieces rather than a coherent movie – not necessarily a problem for a summer blockbuster when you just want a slice of big-screen action for two hours, but the law of diminishing returns definitely kicks in for these. It starts off with a great one, but doesn’t even claw back to match that with the finale, especially since the way it all plays out is nothing we’ve not seen before.
Oh, and when I saw this, on Friday, the cinema was almost empty. However, I put that down to the fact that, for a rarity in Manchester, it was baking hot outside. Given that the weather is starting to turn, I expect it will fill up over this coming week, since it’s half-term.
Naturally, Pirates 6 will follow in due course. Reportedly, Johnny Deep signed up for that without reading a script. Well, for No.5, they certainly didn’t bother writing one. I’m certainly not in a rush for No.6.
Finally, a few bits I’ll mention, for which I’ll surround with a spoiler tag. These include some spoilery thoughts on the film, and first, a description of the post-credits scene.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge is available to pre-order on Blu-ray, 3D Blu-ray and DVD, and click on the poster for the full-size version.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 129 minutes
Studio: Walt Disney
Cinema: Odeon, Trafford Centre
Year: 2017
Format: 2.35:1 (Redcode RAW (6K)); 1.90:1 (IMAX 3D version)
Released: May 25th 2017
Rating: 4.5/10
Directors: Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg
Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer
Screenplay: Jeff Nathanson (based on the story by Jeff Nathanson and Terry Rossio, and characters created by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Stuart Beattie and Jay Wolpert)
Music: Geoff Zanelli
Cast:
Captain Jack Sparrow: Johnny Depp
Captain Salazar: Javier Bardem
Captain Hector Barbossa: Geoffrey Rush
Henry Turner: Brenton Thwaites
Carina Smyth: Kaya Scodelario
Gibbs: Kevin McNally
Shansa: Golshifteh Farahani
Scarfield: David Wenham
Scrum: Stephen Graham
Mullroy: Angus Barnett
Marty: Martin Klebba
Cremble: Adam Brown
Murtogg: Giles New
Will Turner: Orlando Bloom
Elizabeth Swann: Keira Knightley
Uncle Jack: Paul McCartney
Pike: Delroy Atkinson
Bollard: Danny Kirrane
Lieutenant Lesaro: Juan Carlos Vellido
Young Jack Sparrow: Anthony De La Torre
Young Pirate Jeff: Finn McLeod Ireland
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.