Gods Of Egypt takes place in a time when everyone relies on the Gods to provide everything they need, which is usually a thinly-veiled excuse to burgle. Channel 4 used to run a similar event in weekly form, calling it Benefits Street.
It’s also a time when tears salt the earth, whatever that means.
In fact, there were a lot of times when I queried not only the script but why this film was ever made in the first place.
Gerard Butler is Set, the God of Darkness, who wants to be the King of Egypt. At the same time, he wants to turn a peaceful nation into one where everyone’s at loggerheads with each other. His theory is that might is right, and that anyone who disagrees with him can go take a running jump at themselves. So, he’s basically the Donald Trump of the film.
On the side of good is Horus (Headhunters‘ Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), whose unable to watch this film in 3D because both of his eyes have been stolen by Set. He needs Bek (Oculus‘ Brenton Thwaites) to help get them back, although once he does and sees the end result from director Alex Proyas, he’ll wish he hadn’t bothered.
Meanwhile, Bek’s girlfriend, Zaya (Courtney Eaton), is frequently demonstrating the world’s first push-up bra. However, her boulders stay right in those holders, even though Gerard Butler, and any other men with chiseled chests, are allowed to unleash their nipples for all to see! SEXIST!!!
Gods of Egypt contains dialogue and acting to rival the long-departed BBC soap opera, Eldorado. There’s an endless amount of pointless CGI, a number of buxom young women, while the men have a variation on beards, stubble and the shittiest goatees ever committed to celluloid (or digital film, most likely).
Most characters have an unpronounceable name and, when people die, they make sure to stay alive just a moment long enough to deliver some cheesy final words before quickly shuffling off their mortal coil.
In one scene, where Bek breaks into Set’s… er… set, he actually falls quite a great height, but is still able to do a forward roll at the last moment. In reality, he would go splat on the hard surface. Then again, breaking in to the place is as difficult as competing the tasks in ’90s TV gameshow Knightmare.
This film mostly belongs to Thwaites and Coster-Waldau, with there being less Butler than I expected, but for the rest of the cast, this is one that Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush, in particular, will want to distance themselves from. And it’s a long time since I’ve seen a film starring Bryan Brown. On the strength of this, it’ll be another long time before he comes round again.
Gods of Egypt was released in the US in February, a time when stinkers are unleashed because they’re not good enough for summer, so it’s odd that this one has been held back until June in the UK, quickly getting an airing just six days before Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day: Resurgence comes out.
Like Warcraft: The Beginning, I spent the entire movie without the first idea what was going on. It has a very dull first hour and an incomprehensible second hour. I would say it rivals the Dad’s Army remake as one of the worst films I’ve seen this year, but then again, Gods of Egypt lasts 30 minutes longer, so that makes THIS one worse by definition. There’s also barely any humour. So that puts it also on a par with Dad’s Army 2016.
Proyas was surprised at the criticism this film has received. I don’t know why. It’s terrible!
And a couple of queries which I’ll wrap a spoiler heading around:
If Gerard Butler’s toilet backed up for an entire week, it still couldn’t come close to the stinker he’s put out in Gods of Egypt!
Gods Of Egypt isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD, but you can click on the poster for the full-size version.
Running time: 127 minutes
Studio: Entertainment One UK Ltd
Format: 2.35:1 (Redcode RAW (6K))
Released: June 17th 2016
Director: Alex Proyas
Producers: Basil Iwanyk and Alex Proyas
Screenplay: Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless
Music: Marco Beltrami
Bek: Brenton Thwaites
Horus: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Zaya: Courtney Eaton
Set: Gerard Butler
Thoth: Chadwick Boseman
Urshu: Rufus Sewell
Osiris: Bryan Brown
Ra: Geoffrey Rush
Nephthys: Emma Booth
Isis: Rachael Blake
Anubis: Goran D Kleut
Vendor: John Samaha
Fussy Older Maidservant: Paula Arundell
First Young Maidservant: Alia Seror-O’Neill
Second Younger Maidservant: Emily Wheaton
Hathor: Elodie Yung
Priest: Michael-Anthony Taylor
Nobleman: Felix Williamson
Mnevis: Alexander England
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.