Priest 3D: I’m sorry, but this film has inspired me into a rant.
And it’s not just to complain that it was a bad film (it was really awful, but more of that later).
No, my dismay has two other targets: Number one, the pathetic 3D and number two, the British Board of Film Classification.
So, let me get my gnashers into the subject of the 3D for which I paid, yet again, £1.50 extra tonight. There was no 2D performance of Priest at Nottingham Cineworld, so I had Hobson’s Choice.
Thus, even though I have my own glasses and an unlimited card, here I was shelling out extra for a movie which I sort of knew would be a pile of pants. But what I especially objected to was that I actually watched quite a lot of the movie without the glasses on. I regularly experiment with 3D films and take a quick peek to see what they would be like without the glasses. Normally they are a blurry mess. Not tonight. I took them off and could barely tell the difference – the 3D was that ineffectual.
So when will this end. When will the public rebel from paying extra for no good reason. I reckon I have watched between 30 and 40 3D movies this year. I’d say about five used 3D well. The others were a rip-off, plain and simple.
Now on to the classification of movies. I alluded to this, having watched Hanna yesterday and being somewhat surprised at its 12A rating. Priest is another 12A. This is genuinely reprehensible. There are not only monsters which would scare a child out of their wits but on one or two occasions people are blown apart and body parts flew through the sky. There is also a severed head scene. I cannot for the life of me understand why these did not require the certificate to be 15.
So what of the film itself? As a combination of mad and bad, only Sucker Punch has been its equal this year. As soon as I heard the opening phrase: “There have always been men and there have always been vampires,” I wanted to leap from my seat and shout: “No, there haven’t!!”
Anyway, it transpires that Priests, including slayer supreme Paul Bettany, are great killers of vampires. And the threat of vampires in this Mad Max-type world has been quashed to the point that they live on reservations while people, under the thumb of the church, live in safety behind city walls. With me so far? Of course not.
Anyway, the vampires escape and Bettany’s off to bring them back into line despite the church, in the shape of Christopher Plummer telling him not to for reasons which are unfathomable. There really isn’t much point writing anything else because untangling the plot would take longer than it is worth.
What I will say is that Bettany, an actor of great talent, is really picking some bums films lately. This comes on top of the disappointing Legion and the particularly lame Creation.
It’s time he read the script more closely.
Thus, with all things considered Priest 3D, gets a mark for each dimension. 3/10.
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Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Producers: Michael De Luca, Joshua Donen, Mitchell Peck and Sam Raimi
Screenplay: Cory Goodman (based on the graphic novel series “Priest” by Min-Woo Hyung)
Music: Christopher Young
Priest: Paul Bettany
Black Hat: Karl Urban
Hicks: Cam Gigandet
Priestess: Maggie Q
Lucy Pace: Lily Collins
Salesman: Brad Dourif
Owen Pace: Stephen Moyer
Monsignor Orelas: Christopher Plummer
Monsignor Chamberlain: Alan Dale
Shannon Pace: Mädchen Amick