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Professor Charles Xavier/X: Patrick Stewart
Magneto: Ian McKellen
Wolverine: Hugh Jackman
Dr. Jean Grey: Famke Janssen
Cyclops: James Marsden
Storm: Halle Berry
Rogue: Anna Paquin
Sabretooth: Tyler Mane
Toad: Ray Park
Mystique: Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Senator Robert Kelly: Bruce Davison
Storm has a bad hair day.
X-Men
is the long-awaited big-screen outing for the Marvel Comic superheroes that have magic
powers and - usually - two names, one real and one flashy.
Plot-wise, it's good against evil and that's about it. Magneto (Ian
McKellen) has a device that's going to turn all of mankind into the
same bad-guy mutants he's got running around for him. It is possible to
have good-guy mutants though and that's where telepathic wheelchair-bound
Professor Charles Xavier (aka X) (Patrick Stewart) comes in with his
special school for 'gifted children', or "Mutant High" as one kid calls it.
Rather than describe the background for every single one of the mob on
display, we only get to see the beginnings for Wolverine (Hugh Jackman,
who looks a little like Ewan McGregor and sounds a lot like Mel Gibson).
That will suffice though because the film feels like it takes so long to get
going before we get any type of action.
Wolverine's ability is to look as unkempt as Liam Gallagher and produce Freddy
Krueger-style razor blades from his knuckles.
"Whatever Geordi can do Picard, so can I!"
First out of the good camp is the only one with a sensible name, Dr. Jean Grey
(Famke Janssen), who undergoes a transformation too and gets to use
the force, Luke. She's been dying to have a go at Xavier's
look-into-the-future-thingummyjig and when she does, it will transform her
life too.
Keeping up the rear are two-eyed Cyclops (James Marsden), presumably so-called
because of his special visor as displayed above, the electrying Storm (or Halle Berry
in a dodgy long, white syrup) - whose qualities extend to whipping up a.. erm.. storm -
and finally Rogue (Anna Paquin), played by the actress who won an Oscar in 1993 for
playing a whining little brat in
The Piano
,
but she displays no award-winning ambitions here - just a hairdo at the end that looks
stolen from Eastenders' Rosa di Marco.
"It's my way, or the hard way, okay?"
The baddies are fronted by the aforementioned Magneto who has apparently borrowed
Jodie Foster's sphere from Contact and uses the magnetic force to alter the
DNA of those too close to appreciate it. We see the effect it has on abducted
Senator Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison), who has been campaigning against
the mutants. At first his life feels enriched, but it won't be long before
he's not a well man.
Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) is Magneto's right-hand ma.., er.. creature, but looks
like a cross between Chewbacca and Bungle from Rainbow. Star Wars chief
baddie Darth Maul was portrayed by Ray Park - an actor who charges a ridiculous
£15 a time for signatures - and here he plays Toad (not of Toad Hall), who has a
tongue that would put Kiss's Gene Vincent to shame.
Finally, bottle-blonde model Rebecca Romijn-Stamos portrays the almost-silent
shape-shifting Mystique, who has a blue Monday every week.
"I get one line of dialogue, but I CAN do it with feeling!"
Overall, the film leaves you feeling very underwhelmed and certainly not very
X-cited. The special effects are nothing particularly adventurous these days and
Magneto's brief attempt at turning everyone's brains to mush is as stretching as
it gets.
For a 12-certificate, there's quite a lot of violence within including multiple
stabbings, many by Wolverine thanks to his metal talons. With its comic overtones
it gets away with the lower certificate, whereas Freddy routinely received an
18 for his antics, but it's not a film for kids under the certificate's age, despite
the cinema's complete lack of bothering to keep them out, as they did for
The World is Not Enough
and
The Matrix.
By the end of the film, are we not meant to think that Xavier and Magneto
are enemies? It just looks like they've got the same "male-bonding" thing that
Tarantino said Maverick and Iceman had in Top Gun :)
Either way, X-Men 2 and a further sequel are already on their way, with many
of the original cast members signed up for these additional exploits. No doubt
they'll coin even more money in than this limp effort, which recently grossed more
revenue in its opening weekend than any other non-sequel (or non-prequel) in movie
history.
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This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
