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Something in the Water is such a ridiculously bad shark movie, that its only movie reference should’ve made it subtitled, “We’re gonna need a better script!”
Following a horrendous hate attack on Meg (Hiftu Quasem – Granite Harbour) after her girlfriend, Kayla (Natalie Mitson – Last Train To Christmas), winds up some pound-shop baddies in a stairwell, everything moves “One year on“…
Of course, it has to be exactly a year, because this is Hollywood. Well, it’s a low-budget British movie. Sorry, low-IDEAS British movie.
Mutual friend Lizzie (Lauren Lyle – Karen Pirie) is about to get married out in paradise land, before they eschew an organised boat trip in favour of hiring a ricketty piece of crap that doesn’t take long to go all ‘Titanic’, completely unaware that there will be… something in the water.
It’s 27 minutes before anyone starts losing body parts, and the most curious would wonder if one of them going to try to swim for help? And given that no-one comes looking for them during the day, even though the bride has a whole itinerary of events planned, how come the plot is left to sink long through the night and into the next day?
Where is the coastguard in all this?!
And given that I also had The Exorcism and The Bikeriders to follow this, I had time to ponder whether oI could squeeze in an additional viewing of Inside Out 2 in 3D, although it was only last week when I saw it, so it might be too fresh in the mind, despite 3D screenings being rare to run into a second week. In the end, I stuck with just the three films in total, since for a CGI film that lasts almost 90 minutes before the end credits kick in, I would be spending an extra two-and-three-quarter hours in the cinema. It wasn’t that pressing a matter.
I also had time to recall the words of the great orator Homer Simpson, who once said, “Water, water everywhere, so let’s all have a drink”.
Another thing coming to mind was a brief ‘song’ lyric from Radio 4’s The Now Show, I think from Mitch Benn. It was about choosing between similar pop bands Busted and McFly, but fitted this movie well, as you’re waiting for someone else to get picked off by the shark:
- “Who will win? Who will be tested?
Who will come through? Who’s interested(?)”
Something In The Water makes Blake Lively’s The Shallows look like a masterpiece. This film is meant to be set in the West Indies, yet when it comes to thrashing about in the water, it makes as well have been shot at my local swimming pool. Whoever greenlit this needs their head read.
Also, at no point in the film is it established that Meg’s name is actually Meg, so when another girl starts shouting it repeatedly while a shark’s doing its rounds, I figured they were referring to the Jason Statham movie, or making a Family Guy reference.
The trailer is below. DON’T watch it, if you’re considering seeing this film. I didn’t see it until afterwards, and a good job, too, since it basically shows THE WHOLE FILM!
Something in the Water is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on Blu-ray and DVD, ahead of its release date TBA.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 86 minutes
Release date: June 21st 2024
Studio: Studiocanal UK
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 1/10
Director: Hayley Easton Street
Producer: Julie Baines
Screenplay: Cat Clarke
Music: Nainita Desai, Harry Peat
Cast:
Meg: Hiftu Quasem
Kayla: Natalie Mitson
Cam: Nicole Rieko Setsuko
Lizzie: Lauren Lyle
Ruth: Ellouise Shakespeare-Hart
Dominic: Gabriel Prevost-Takahashi
Teenage girls: Tashani Bent, India Jean-Jacques, Chloe Marshall, Laura Costa, Grace Franzl
App (voice): Bryony Hamerton
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.