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For a Terminator film, it seems daft to have this as a 12A-certificate where my 6-year-old nephew could go and see it, but while it seemed surprisingly violent with people and baddies being thrown about, it’s no more so than a typical Marvel film these days. There’s also only one f-word in it – the same line used in the first film, ending with a reference to a bottom, but why isn’t it repeated back? Oh, the suspense(!)
And while you can seemingly have male buttock nudity in a 12A movie, there’s no chance of Emilia Clarke showing any ‘T&A’ in this film.
Since it’s mostly a rehash of the first two films, perhaps I should’ve offered to pay with the same money when I bought my tickets for those two? (Well, for Terminator 2, at least, since I was 12 when The Terminator was released)
It isn’t Jai Courtney’s first stinker to star in the fifth in a film franchise and where his character has also been played by someone else, since here he takes Michael Biehn’s character of Kyle Reese, yet in A Good Day To Die Hard, he was Jack McClane, formerly John McClane Jr, played in 1988’s original Die Hard movie by a kid called Noah Land. Who has since made zero films. A shame the same cannot be said of Jai.
Matt Smith‘s character has a secret, of sorts, which I’m not going to reveal here, but surely the most pressing confusion is why he’s been listed in the credits as “Matthew Smith”? He’s been known for years as Matt Smith in Doctor Who, and also in Ryan Gosling’s Lost River. And all video gamers will know that Matthew Smith is the genius who wrote Manic Miner and Jet Set Willy, and interviewed recently in the superb From Bedrooms To Billions.
It wasn’t all bad, though, as there were at least a handful of laughs along the way, mostly based around time travel – which is a little lazy, and mostly thanks to JK Simmons as cop O’Brien, far away from his BAFTA and Oscar-winning performance in Whiplash, but putting in an amusing turn if albeit too briefly. There’s also an amusing response quip from Sarah Connor (Game Of Thrones‘ Emilia Clarke, this time round), “Story of my life”, yet in this case, it IS about her life.
Once I have mastered time travel, I will send a machine back to when this project was first thought of, and kill all those responsible. You’ll know I have been successful because the film will not exist and, thus, neither will this review. Ah, the perfect crime!
Of course, that’ll make the worst film of the year to be Taken 3.
Finally, 3D or not 3D? I chose 2D with this one as the film was not shot in 3D, and having watched it in 2D, I couldn’t see anything in this film that would’ve stood out in 3D.
And if you like staying through the end credits, sometimes in the hope of a post-credits sequence, there is one here, which a lot of people missed on my screening…
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 126 minutes
Studio: Paramount Pictures UK
Year: 2015
Format: 2.35:1
Released: July 2nd 2015
Rating: 1/10
Director: Alan Taylor
Producers: David Ellison and Dana Goldberg
Screenplay: Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier
Music: Lorne Balfe
Cast:
Guardian: Arnold Schwarzenegger
John Connor: Jason Clarke
Sarah Connor: Emilia Clarke
Kyle Reese: Jai Courtney
O’Brien: JK Simmons
Danny Dyson: Dayo Okeniyi
Alex: Matt Smith
Miles Dyson: Courtney B Vance
T-1000: Byung-hun Lee
Lt. Matias: Michael Gladis
Detective Cheung: Sandrine Holt
Young O’Brien: Wayne Bastrup
Detective Harding: Gregory Alan Williams
Detective Timmons: Otto Sanchez
Agent Janssen: Matty Ferraro
Agent Burke: Griff Furst
Skynet – 10 yrs old: Ian Etheridge
Skynet – 12 / 14 yrs old: Nolan Gross
Skynet – 18 yrs old: Seth Meriwether
Perry: Afemo Omilami
Kyle’s Dad: Mark Adam
Kyle’s Mom: Kerry O’Malley
Young Sarah Connor: Willa Taylor
Guardian – Young / Terminator T-800: Brett Azar
Derelict: Thomas Francis Murphy
Punk #1: John Edward Lee
Punk #2: Christion Troxell
Punk #3: Luke Sexton
Refugee / Terminator: Aaron V Williamson
Garbage Man: Ernest Wells
Young Kyle Reese: Bryant Prince
Commander Hanz: Matthew Gallagher
Young John Connor: Douglas Smith
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.