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The Portable Door is one of those films which mixes periods in time about the decor, such as how this has a futuristic door which can take you anywhere, yet the office in the Department of wherever they are, has a 1940s-style typing pool, and everyone sends messages about the building in vacuum-sealed tubes which go up through the ceiling, and so on.
Paul Carpenter (Patrick Gibson – Before We Die) has just attained a new job that’s very non-descript and random, and is given tasks by a strange woman who sniffs his hair… a brief moment which just signifies how this script appears to have been written on-the-fly and without any regard for continuity, such as when he spots a baby dragon darting about in the office on the floor.
His new colleague, Sophie Pettingel (Sophie Wilde – You Don’t Know Me), has a special talent, although she doesn’t realise it, initially, and before long, co-owner of the business (I think… not that it really matters), Humphrey Wells (Christoph Waltz, who behaves in exactly the same way that Christoph Waltz always does), tells Paul he’s lost one of the most powerful items ever to exist, and which can disguise itself. It’s somewhere in the building, but refuses to be found. Hence, he has to pretend he’s NOT looking for it.
What is it? It’s a portable door. And that seems to be about it for the basics of the plot.
In fact, The Portable Door is one of those films where every character behaves in an outlandish fashion, and the main protagonist stares back at them with a confused look on their face.
Given that the door can take you anywhere, it’s a bit like Time Bandits, but with the ability to actually know where they’re going, yet without stealing stuff, and with additional monsters that make no sense. Overall, it ends up being a bit dull, since screenwriter Leon Ford (Upright) doesn’t really seem to know what to do with it… unless the novel was just the same.
As such, the film descends into unintelligible gibberish, and I was just waiting for it to end. Neither Waltz, nor Sam Neill (Jurassic World: Dominion) could save this dirge.
There’s a scene just before the credits, as well as a post-credits scene, and I’ll put thes behind a spoiler header, even though they’re not plot spoilers in any way:
Thanks to our friends at Sky for the screener prior to release.
The Portable Door is on Sky Cinema and NOW TV from Friday April 7th, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 114 minutes
Release date: April 7th 2023
Studio: Sky Cinema
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1
Rating: 2/10
Director: Jeffrey Walker
Producers: Todd Fellman, Blanca Lista
Screenplay: Leon Ford
Novel: Tom Holt
Music: Benjamin Speed
Cast:
Paul Carpenter: Patrick Gibson
Humphrey Wells: Christoph Waltz
Dennis Tanner: Sam Neill
Countess Judy: Miranda Otto
Monty Smith-Gregg: Damon Herriman
Rosie Tanner: Jessica De Gouw
Sandra: Mezi Atwood
Nienke Van Spee: Rachel House
Casimir Suslowicz: Chris Pang
Sophie Pettingel: Sophie Wilde
Arthur Tanner Goblin: Christopher Sommers
Goblin Rosie: Tori Webb
Leon: Jason Wilder
Neville: Arka Das
Typist: Lillie Wallace
Shopper: Savanna Crasto
Typist: Jasmine Barui
Mrs. Dao: Diana Lin
Young Humphrey: Finn Treacy
Tunnel Blaster: Seth Collier
Delia Bryson: Lin Yin
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.