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Transformers: Rise of the Beasts… Yes, someone decided to bring this franchise back to the big screen once again.
Although Michael Bay’s movies were plotless nonsense, I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction and Transformers: The Last Knight in IMAX 3D, and since he is one of the few directors to actually FILM in 3D – rather than film in 2D and convert in post-production later (like all Marvel and DC Comics films), they were astounding to look at, and like being on a fairground ride in the cinema, so definitely worth the trip for that.
And I’ve only seen half of 2018’s Bumblebee, after which I got bored – although that was oddly censored from a 12-cert to a PG in the UK (even though kids can see both), and they censored a scene which is still uncut on Netflix, even though it states PG on their system. So, I might finish that at some point.
However, I’m not sure why Paramount still thinks there’s an audience for Transformers films, in order to spend $200m on it. And in the opening weekend, it also looked like it’s flopping harder than Peter North at the age of 80.
So, what’s the plot of this movie, which is meant to be the first of a new trilogy? We’re all going to die again!
Yep, Unicron is back to eat planets – and better played by Orson Welles in the 1986 animated movie, and in the present day, there’s a Transwarp Key which opens a portal in time and space, and can destroy infinite planets, yada yada yada. To be quite frank, I didn’t have much idea what was going on at the time, but because they kept going on about needing a key, I could only think of the gem below from the Comic Strip’s Bad News, when Nigel Planer and Rik Mayall need a key, because Peter Richardson and Adrian Edmondson have locked them in the toilet. Watch the video below – which is the whole album, so go to 13 mins 22 seconds, for the right spot for the sketch in question. Oh, and the whole album is NSFW.
However, in the fight which ensues… (yes, a spoiler section, here)
However, the film then it goes back to 1994, because reasons… in fact, none other than to highlight some great tunes from the era, such as LL Cool J’s Mama Said Knock You Out, and Digable Planets’ Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat).
Noah Diaz (Anthony Ramos – Honest Thief) is out looking for work, having interviews at a tech place, while Elena Wallace (Dominique Fishback – Swarm) has just started out, restoring archeological pieces. Along with a globetrotting trip to Peru, it’s no surprise that the two will eventually meet and team up amongst whatever shenanigans is about to take place.
Several Transformers come into this, such as Michelle Yeoh’s Airazor, a bird which looks like the Isis exhibit from a Simpsons episode, and is “a maximal from their present, past and future” Er…
Since I only watch the films, and don’t look too deeply into the lore (well, at all), I hadn’t heard of some of the characters before now, but Noah is mostly seen driving Mirage – although, in reality, IT drives HIM! Well, forget reality….
Similarly, I’d never heard of the Terrorcons as the baddies, a group of Decepticons. As such, I hadn’t heard of Scourge (Peter Dinklage – I Care A Lot), either, but he’s the main enemy of the piece. Still, every day’s a school day.
However, there is an odd moment where Mirage shows off that he can quickly change from, say, a Lamborghini to a Ferrari and a Formula 1 car. However, the camera is mostly fixed on Noah’s reactions, so you only see the first and last cars, barely transforming, so Paramount are saving a few quid of their $200m spend, there.
There’s a cool scene as a rocket is launched at the good guys’ camper van, but events lead to it simply passing through in slow motion. However, you don’t see what makes it explode on the other side. Did it hit something?
The other good guys include Optimus Primal, Arcee, Rhinox and Nightbird, and there’s an A Few Good Men reference as, Bumblebee trots out “You can’t handle the truth!” As shame it didn’t continue further, mirroring Nathan Jessup’s “You fucking people…”
Also, the lovely Lauren Velez (Dexter, Oz) pops up briefly as Noah’s mum, Breanna, but oddly, she’s now known as Luna Lauren Velez, these days. Okay, that’s her real full name, but I’ve not seen her use this in full, before… well, beyond last week’s Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse, but then she was of many voices behind the animation, so she wasn’t physically present onscreen.
In the first week, the film has taken just under the $200m budget in box office receipts. Given that a film needs to gross around three times the budget in order to break even, there’s zero chance of this trilogy being continued or completed, unless Paramount want to lose another shirt over it. Apparently, if it does happen, it’ll be called Transformers One. Jeez, didn’t they learn from the ‘Xbox One’ fiasco?
Additionally, The Flash is now out, and in all the premium screens, so that’s taking over.
And if you missed the mid-credits scene, check out the short video below.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on 4K Blu-ray, 4K Blu-ray Steelbook, Blu-ray and DVD.
Available now is the Transformers: Rise of the Beasts: Deluxe Class Cheetor Converting Action Figure for ages 6 and up, 5-inch.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 127 minutes
Release date: June 8th 2023
Studio: Paramount Pictures UK
Format: 2.39:1 (ARRIRAW (4.5K)
Cinema: Cineworld Didsbury
Rating: 4/10
Director: Steven Caple Jr
Producers: Michael Bay, Tom DeSanto, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Duncan Henderson, Don Murphy, Mark Vahradian
Screenplay: Joby Harold, Darnell Metayer, Josh Peters, Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber, Joby Haroldby
Music: Jongnic Bontemps
Cast:
Noah Diaz: Anthony Ramos
Elena Wallace: Dominique Fishback
Breanna Diaz: Luna Lauren Velez
Kris Diaz: Dean Scott Vazquez
Reek: Tobe Nwigwe
Jillian: Sarah Stiles
Optimus Prime (voice): Peter Cullen
Optimus Primal (voice): Ron Perlman
Scourge (voice): Peter Dinklage
Airazor (voice): Michelle Yeoh
Mirage (voice): Pete Davidson
Arcee (voice): Liza Koshy
Transit / Stratosphere (voice): John DiMaggio
Rhinox / Battletrap / Apelinq (voice): David Sobolov
Nightbird (voice): Michaela Jaé Rodriguez
Unicron (voice): Colman Domingo
Wheeljack (voice): Cristo Fernández
Cheetor (voice): Tongayi Chirisa
Herself: Lesley Stahl
Ms. Greene: Leni Parker
Amaru: Lucas Huarancca
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.