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Troy: Fall Of A City sadly has nothing to do with actor Troy McClure, who you may remember from The Simpsons, which is a shame because none of this new BBC drama series was available for preview, which rarely bodes well.
Despite that, you can’t get away from the fact that this is an eight-part adaptation of Homer’s classic tale… *oh*, not THAT Homer.
There are still similarities, though, since Paris (Louis Hunter) is born with a special birthmark, which later makes him become ‘the chosen one’, so very much like how Homer Simpson became leader of the Stonecutters.
Early on, the man was seen with an apple, whilst surrounded by Athena, Aphrodite and lots of women with silly names, some of which either look like an accident in a Scrabble bag, or an undiscovered form of sexually-transmitted disease.
Soon after he’s seen horse-jacking another’s transport, while the townsfolk have lame Gladiator-style games in the local town centre, rather like Stockport at chucking out time; and while this may look a bit too violent for a BBC1 drama, compared to what we’ve already seen in movies and other TV dramas like Game Of Thrones, it’s very tame.
Oh, and David Threlfall STILL sounds like Frank Gallagher, and no-one else… as well as having a hideous amount of make-up on his face.
Helen (Bella Dayne), the Posh Spice-a-like and husband to Paris’ brother, Menelaus (Jonas Armstrong), said, “To think, something so small could make such a difference”… oh, she means Paris’ birthmark!
Meanwhile, Paris, himself, was recommended to bonk Helen’s daughter, Hermoine (Grace Hogg-Robinson) – who didn’t exactly fall on the right side of legality, but like all right-thinking men, he’d rather go straight for the MILF!
There’s sex scenes – with zero chance of seeing any tits or arse… well, we saw ONE breast, halfway through the episode. Did women, back then, only have one breast? Well, Helen was briefly observed topless in the shower, but the trellis between her and the camera was just placed to hide her nipples. How convenient!
On the plus side, this series has been made in Dolby Digital 5.1, so as Paris heard words all around him, as he chose a mate, they were actually HEARD all around him. DD5.1 audio made Doctor Who a little less crap under Steven Moffat’s tenure, too. Sadly, this moment was the ONLY time they bothered to make any real use of the rear speakers.
With its random visuals, the looks of people staring into the middle distance, whilst a score builds to a climax, I can imagine each scene ending with a voice whispering, “Troy, by Calvin Klein”.
Overall, there’s more atmosphere in deep space than there is in this entire first episode. It makes the 2016 Ben-Hur remake look like Citizen Kane by comparison.
Troy: Fall Of A City? More like, Troy: Fall-ing Asleep!
Troy: Fall Of A City continues next Saturday on BBC1 at 9.10pm, and is available to pre-order on Blu-ray and DVD, ahead of its release on April 9th. After broadcast, you can watch it on BBC iPlayer for 30 days after transmission, and click on the packshot for the full-size version.
Episode 1 Score: 1/10
Director: Owen Harris
Producer: Barney Reisz
Writer: David Farr
Cast:
Paris/Alexander: Louis Hunter
Priam: David Threlfall
Hecuba: Frances O’Connor
Hector: Tom Weston-Jones
Andromache: Chloe Pirrie
Cassandra: Aimee-Ffion Edwards
Pandarus: Alex Lanipekun
Menelaus: Jonas Armstrong
Helen: Bella Dayne
Agamemnon: Johnny Harris
Hermione: Grace Hogg-Robinson
Zeus: Hakeem Kae-Kazim
Aphrodite: Lex King
Oenone: Lise Slabber
Troilus: Christiaan Schoombie
Hera: Inge Beckmann
Athena: Shamilla Miller
Agelaus: Danny Keogh
Deiphobus: Chris Fisher
Hermes: Diarmaid Murtagh
Simoisius: Garion Dowds
Clytemnestra: Emily Child
Iphigenia: Lauren Coe
Litos: Jonathan Pienaar
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.