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War of the Sontarans is Chapter 2 in season 13 of Doctor Who, aka Doctor Who: Flux.
NOTE: There are some spoilers in this review.
The Doctor, Yaz and Dan find themselves in 1855, during the Crimean War, and the Sontarans have come to town. They’ve landed during this particular time in history because it’s time of combat aplenty, and… Skaak (Jonathan Watson) “wanted to ride a horse“.
Given that famous nurse Mary Seacole (Sara Powell) is meant to be there, while the big bollock-heads aren’t, Yaz is concerned about history being rewritten… yet that’s what they do every bloody week! Hasn’t she been paying attention?!
Meanwhile, Dan is transported back to Liverpool because reasons, and it appears the Sontarans have taken over in the present day, and also replaced both Russia and China with the country, Sontar, but never fear, because help is at hand from his parents – Jackie Corkill and Eddie Banks from Brookside! (Sue Jenkins and Paul Broughton)
But stupidly, after bringing them in to the show, briefly, they never appeared again. Chibnall strikes again. Please sod off, Chibnall.
However, Yaz finds herself back in time a bit further, in 1820 when all this began, alongside Joseph Williamson (Steve Oram), while Mary has taken a Sontaran prisoner, but the Doc frees him in return for passing on a message about how she wants to parlay with the Skaak, and find out what they want (it’s obvious: killing everyone who isn’t like them, duh!)
War of the Sontarans was just another case of throwing a load of shit at the screen for an hour and seeing what sticks.
Of what also happened, I lost track of the time-hopping, and I think the same thing happpened to writer Chris Chibnall.
Azure, the one who looks like she has a rotting skull – or like Vincent Price in the Dr Phibes films, after acid has burnt off his face – turned up to hassle The Mouri, who only seemed to be brought in because, as they’re in the Temple of Atropos, on the planet Time, they’re just a teaser for the next episode.
During the Crimean War, the British Army think they have a chance against the Sontarans, even though almost every one of them dies without bleeding; the sonic screwdriver is used as a McGuffin to get Dan’s videos of the Sontaran ship and everything else he’s filmed, rather than him just showing her. I guess it speeds things along slightly; and if they Sontarans are so easily defeated by just being hit on the back of their necks, why don’t they fix it?
Meanwhile, The Doctor moaned that General Logan (Gerald Kyd), of the British Army, blew up some of the Sontaran spaceships, even though they were retreating. Duh! She’s got a lot to learn about humanity. He was only doing it because they caused the death of his men.
So, this was another hour of nothing happening that made any sense.
On the plus side, Yaz and Vinder were ‘converted’ so Swarm could potentially ‘do a Thanos’ and… well, that’s saved for next week, when the Cybermen return along with Dot Cottan from Line of Duty.
A shame that Swarm can’t get rid of the fuckwits at Red Bee Media who yabber over the credits because they assume everyone watching is as thick as they are and need constant reminding about what’s coming up next.
One of the main problems in this series, so far, is that there’s just far too many characters onscreen at once, so most of them get barely a second thought. Plus, for whoever they bring out to play as the ‘baddie of the week’, everyone runs around panicking for 90% of the running time, and then someone clicks on this or that and the problem is vanquished. It’s pathetic writing in the extreme.
Chapter 3 will be Once Upon Time, and airs next Sunday at 6.30pm.
Doctor Who: Flux can be pre-ordered on Limited Edition Blu-ray Steelbook, Blu-ray and DVD, ahead of its release on January 24th 2022.
You can also buy Series 12 on Blu-ray, DVD and Limited Edition Blu-ray Steelbook.
Also available is Revolution Of The Daleks on Blu-ray and DVD.
The episode is now on the BBC iPlayer.
Score: 2/10
Director: Jamie Magnus Stone
Writer: Chris Chibnall
Music: Olga FitzRoy
Cast:
The Doctor: Jodie Whittaker
Yasmin Khan: Mandip Gill
Dan Lewis: John Bishop
Skaak/Sontaran Commander Riskaw: Jonathan Watson
Mary Seacole: Sara Powell
Vinder: Jacob Anderson
Eileen: Sue Jenkins
Neville: Paul Broughton
Joseph Williamson: Steve Oram
General Logan: Gerald Kyd
Svild: Dan Starkey
Swarm: Sam Spruell
Azure: Rochenda Sandall
Karvanista: Craige Els
Passenger: Jonny Mathers
Priest Triangle: Nigel Richard Lambert
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.