It’s a lovely day for a double murder as, for no apparent reason, a young girl overpowers and kills her parents. This happens to happen in… altogether now… the House At The End Of The Street.
**POSSIBLE SPOILERS WITHIN**
Fast forward four years and two women are moving into the house next door, a palacious abode which is only available to their meagre budget because of the bad things wot happened nearby.
These two women are mother and daughter combo Sarah (Elisabeth Shue, who doesn’t seem to have made a film in over 20 years) and Jennifer’s breasts (Jennifer Lawrence), so-called by me because she’s always running around in a skimpy white top and, clearly, a sports bra.
Things are going swimmingly at first because they’re getting to know the neighbours and fitting in nicely, but then, one night, a light goes on at the mysterious house. But how can that be when there’s no-one living there? Because that’s a falsehood – there’s the son of the household, Ryan (Max Thieriot), a weedy-looking guy with a scruffy “can’t be bothered to shave properly” beard. Well, if you had a goldmine sitting in an unsold family house, then you’re hardly going to let it fall foul to squatters.
Disappointment kicks in early when you see the trailer and it makes things feel like Shue and Jennifer’s breasts will pretty much have equal weight in the movie from start to finish, but Shue feels more like an afterthought, only there to bring in Gil Bellows‘ cop character into the equation when she feels like she needs the strong arm of the law to dish out justice. And given how this film just feels like a rehash of lots of previous thrillers but with all the thrills removed, as soon as you’re told that it was reckoned, at the time of her parents’ murder, that Carrie Anne disappeared but no-one ever found any trace of a body, it doesn’t take an Einstein to work out that she’s going to be the one going nuts all over the shop.
Common sense would dictate that anyone with a brain would stay away from the vicinity of the dodgy residence, but given that Jennifer’s breasts are attracted to weird lads who don’t say much, she can’t stay away from him, even when he’s clearly giving off “I would murder you while you sleep” vibes. And for her to even pop round when Ryan’s not at home, and to start investigating when she hears something going bump downstairs, well, quite frankly, she deserves all she gets. If she hasn’t bothered to check out even one of the major horror/thrillers from the past 40 years which proves such a venture would make her the world’s stupidest bottom burp, then that’s her own lookout.
I could go into further detail about how bad and predictable House At The End Of The Street is, but while I wouldn’t want to give major spoilers, there is simply nothing to spoil that you can’t predict and which hasn’t been seen before countless time.
Jennifer’s breasts look smouldering in the movie from start to finish, while Elisabeth Shue is depriving a farm of a pig without lipstick. Mumbling Max will put you into a coma if you listen to him directly for more than a few minutes and as for the rest of the cast? They make zero impression with you.
With a trailer (below) that uses techniques to make this film looking infinitely more enticing than it is, you don’t have to be far into viewing the finished product before you realise that House At The End Of The Street is as pointless as a lazy wank that you just can’t be bothered to finish.
Running time: 101 minutes
Released: September 21st 2012
Widescreen: 2.35:1 (Techniscope)
Viewed at: Odeon Cinema, Trafford Centre
Director: Mark Tonderai
Producers: Peter Block, Hal Lieberman and Aaron Ryder
Screenplay: David Loucka (from a story by Jonathan Mostow)
Music: Theo Green
Elissa: Jennifer Lawrence
Ryan: Max Thieriot
Sarah: Elisabeth Shue
Weaver: Gil Bellows
Carrie Anne: Eva Link
Tyler: Nolan Gerard Funk
Jillian: Allie MacDonald
Penn State Carrie Anne: Jordan Hayes
Mary Jacobson: Krista Bridges
John Jacobson: JHohn Healy
Ben Reynolds: James Thomas
Caitlin: Hailee Sisera
Dan Gifford: Craig Eldridge
Dr. Kohler: Jonathan Higgins
Jake: Olivier Surprenant
Jenny Gifford: Lori Alter
Bonnie Reynolds: Joy Tanner
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.