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Naked Beach is full of people stripping off because they don’t like their own bodies, and so they’re forcing themselves on us, instead. Now, if this had been shown after the watershed, at 9pm, I think we’d have seen them in the ALLtogether, and when Naked Attraction is broadcast, it’s at 10pm, for at 8pm, it seems we’ll only see just… some of that.
Before we got to the ‘meat’ of the issue, we had X-Factor-style sob stories to show why they want to bare all. They have to share screentime with four others who are full of body positivity, and will be walking about wearing only the Emperor’s New Clothes, but first, with certain areas painted.
Kaye is worried about getting married to her fiance, but thinking that she would not look beautiful in a wedding dress.
Meanwhile, 28-year-old Elysia (above) is concerned about her body after having a child, and how her son once pointed at her stretch marks and went “Urgh!” Well, who cares what he thinks?
There’s also a bloke called Darrell, but I’m not gay and so I don’t care to see him point Percy at the porcelain. However, he does state that he wishes he could do all the things he wants to, but as The Smiths sang: Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you fFrom doing all the things in life you’d like to.
Whatever happened in this science experiment, in the final analysis, we didn’t get to see a great deal – which felt like a missed opportunity.
In the end, when they had the chance to walk out in the buff – but painted, Kaye went for a costume with paint on, Darrell wore swimming trunks, and Elysia wore a painted bikini. This was only up to the end of part 3, so what happened in part 4? Each of the three exposed themselves to someone else of the same gender… but behind a towel, so we still saw nothing.
So, a bit of a laugh, but mostly pointless… until the last few minutes when, yes, there was everyone’s bits on display – well, the guests had their modesty in place thanks to the miracle of editing. Elysia had nothing to worry about at all. Compared to my ex, Elysia had two butt-cheeks where my ex only had one(!) YMMV
As for me, there’s a reason why I have an automated theme tune blaring out, as I walk down the street, of Prince’s Sexy MF! 😉
Now, when’s Naked Attraction coming back?
Episode 1 Score: 1/10
Naked Beach continues next Tuesday at 8pm on Channel 4. The series isn’t available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD (and is unlikely to be). You can watch each episode on All 4 for 30 days after transmission.
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.