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Pet Sematary: Bloodlines extends the franchise, originally based on the Stephen King novel, Pet Sematary.
The original movie was never the greatest, and after the 2019 reboot, I doubt we needed another entry in the franchise, but here we are with a prequel set in 1969.
In the town of Ludlow, there’s an ancient evil in the woods, as described in an opening monologue which sounds a bit like Garrett in Thief, as each level of that fantastic game opens.
But back to this plot, and Bill (David Duchovny – You People) is burying something outside (probably his career), but whatever’s dead doesn’t seem to want to stay six feet under.
Jud Crandall (Jackson White – looking rather like Nick Berry when he was in Eastenders) and Norma (Natalie Alyn Lind) – the former played as an old man by Fred Gwynne in the original movie – are all set to move away, but already, something scares them on the way out. As for what… well, if you’ve seen the trailer – below -then you’ll know what’s coming in the short term. However, rather than carry on, they stupidly go back home.
In the town of Ludlow, everyone behaves very weird, especially Timmy (Jack Mulhern), one of Jud’s friends from many moons ago. There’s gore, jump scares, and stabbings that make no sense… hell, NONE of it makes any sense! And that’s before we even get a flashback to 1674, and how it apparently links to the present and so on. In fact, the only way to make things make sense is just to think, “Here’s a load of weird shit happening”(!)
In fact, the whole ‘pet sematary’ element seems to disappear, and just turns into a disconnected set of random scenes, where someone forgot to write a coherent plot to string them together, instead just opting to bump people off ina very gory manner. Plus, when normal people get possessed, they suddenly have superhuman strength! Why? We’re never told. It’s like a zombie movie, in that respect.
As such, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is a long 81 minutes by the time the credits start. Plus, the end credits are the best part of this, because you get to hear the full version of The Weight by The Band.
Clearly, when it comes to the Pet Sematary franchise, leave it alone… sometimes, dead is better.
Thanks to our friends at Paramount+ for the screener prior to release.
Pet Semetary: Bloodlines is on Paramount+ from tomorrow, but is not available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 87 minutes
Release date: October 6th 2023
Studio: Paramount+
Format: 2.39:1
Rating: 1/10
Director: Lindsey Anderson Beer
Producers: Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Mark Vahradian
Screenplay: Lindsey Anderson Beer, Jeff Buhler
Based on the Novel: Stephen King
Music: Brandon Roberts
Cast:
Timmy: Jack Mulhern
Norma: Natalie Alyn Lind
Dan Crandall: Henry Thomas
Kathy: Samantha Mathis
Bill: David Duchovny
Majorie: Pam Grier
Jud Crandall: Jackson White
Manny: Forrest Goodluck
Mi’kmaq Chief: Glen Gould
Donna: Isabella Star LaBlanc
Young Timmy: Auden Larratt
Stanny: John W Lawson
Commander Williams: Karl Graboshas
Johnson: Steve Love
Young Jud: Elliot Miville-Deschanes
Nurse Carol: Jude Beny
Younger Timmy: Aron Benali
Sally Baterman: Rachel Osborne
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.