The Clash of the Titans remake starts with Mythology 101:
We learn that the Titans were powerful but their reigns were ended by their sons, Zeus, Poseidon and Hades.
Zeus got Hades to create a strong enough beast to kill off their parents, who then used his own flesh to make The Kraken.
Zeus was king of the heavens, Poseidon the same for the sea, but Hades was tricked by Zeus into being the ruler of Hell.
D'oh! Zeus then created man to worship the Gods, but man got restless and no longer trusted them. A boy was born at
this time who would go on to change everything - Perseus, who grows into Sam Worthington.
With me so far? No? Well, it doesn't really matter.
It's a basic tale of revenge for Perseus for reasons that will become clear within the opening 10 minutes, and amongst
that, while Zeus and Hades were at war for many years, the fact that mankind has destroyed Zeus' statue - which was done
by soldiers from Argos (cue titters of laughter) to declare war on the Gods, albeit not quite Saddam-style -
means that he will allow Hades to create havoc and cause man to turn against each other and, eventually, have no-one
but the Gods to turn to. Aside from that. we've got Andromeda, Medusa, The Kraken, a Pegasus and lots of other things
and people where almost everyone's name ends in "s".
One person whose doesn't is Andromeda, a young woman who is meant to be a hottie, but the woman they picked, Angel's
Alexa Davalos, looked like she'd been chasing parked cars for the week. It also takes itself far too seriously
and there's just no humour in it. Plus, it seems to take forever for Perseus and his band of unmerry men and assorted
oddballs to get to Medusa's lair in the first place, the necessity for which will become clear when you watch it.
The dialogue is woeful. As the boy turns into our hero and he's still on his parents' fishing boat, his Dad says, "I
know you have questions, son. I wish I had the answers.", to which he replies, indicating that he's talking about
his parents, "I have everything I need, right here." - I mean, pass the sick bag!
It does have some strong acting talent hamming it up, with names like Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralph Fiennes
as Hades, but there's far too many big names in the film in order for one person to shine and, in any event, when they do
appear they're surrounded by so much CGI that any impact they could make is seriously impeded. There's a couple of occasional
slightly light moments from Liam Cunningham as Solon (below-right, with Mads Mikkelsen and Gemma Arteton),
and there's some decent acting from Vincent Regan as Andromeda's father, Kepheus, who looks like a younger
Christopher Plummer.
Overall, however, it's an incredibly tedious film with very average CGI, except for that of Medusa and The Kraken.
Just how can an 'action' film come across so dull?
As an amusing side-note, Hades threatens to wipe Argos off the face of the Earth... A shame he's almost 40
years too late(!)
One thing I'd like to add before I finish: Given that Blu-ray can clearly 3D films, why does hardly any company bother?
The biggest film of last year was Avatar and was not a film I particularly cared for, so was only going to bother if it
came to Blu-ray in 3D, but it didn't. Clash of the Titans is also a film that would look great in 3D so why are
we being short-changed? Smells like just another excuse for big studios to squeeze more money out of the consumer with
a further "Special Edition"(!)
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