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Seize Them! is the command bellowed by Queen Dagan (Aimee Lou Wood – Living) after Humble Joan (Nicola Coughlan – Big Mood) turns up with her crew to take the castle over.
As such, everyone in the Monarch’s crew goes against her, aside from her aide, Shulmay (Lolly Adefope – Wicked Little Letters), who stays on-side for reasons to be disclosed later.
Because reasons, Dagan sets off on a quest away from the palace, which will somehow lead to her getting it back, although I never quite figured out why that was the case, but since they set forth, it allows them to come across simple shit-spader Bobik, who was just Nick Frost (Fighting With My Family), being an even more simple Nick Frost; with Leofwine (Jessica Hynes – Inside No.9) slowly heading after them.
Seize Them! is a strange beast. The film is a 15-certificate, but has a lot of childish humour which could work as a 12-cert Horrible Histories-style outing (which Nick Frost was also in), if some of the f-words were taken out and the gore and violence was toned down a bit. Obviously, I don’t want censorship, but the script feels like it was aimed at a much younger audience, yet too much of the content would put it out of their reach from being able to see it on the big screen – and even then, their parents would probably baulk at showing them some of the content at home. Hence, it rather falls between two stools.
Then again, even if it was toned down to a 12, the BBC are hardly going to allow the job of “shit-spader” to be broadcast on a Sunday afternoon, nor its frequency in coming up in the conversation.
The dialogue – which despite being set in the Middle Ages hasa lot of modern parlance to it – also has some occasional genius lines, such as Shulmay’s “You’re flirting, Bobik. Peple who don’t smell get to do that now and again“, with him commenting in another scene, “When I was born, we couldn’t afford clothes, so we had to make our own out of nettles“, that part being a funnier line than the actual punchline… but I’ll leave you to watch the film for that. Okay, it’s in the trailer below, too.
There’s also a very brief post-credits moment…
Seize Them! is in cinemas now, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD. However, once announced, it will appear on the New DVD Blu-ray 3D and 4K releases UK list.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 91 minutes
Release date: April 5th 2024
Studio: Entertainment Film Distributors
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 6.5/10
Director: Curtis Vowell
Producers: Damian Jones, Matthew James Wilkinson
Screenplay: Andy Riley
Music: Rael Jones
Cast:
Queen Dagan: Aimee Lou Wood
Humble Joan: Nicola Coughlan
Shulmay: Lolly Adefope
Bobik: Nick Frost
Leofwine: Jessica Hynes
King Ivarr: Paul Kaye
King Guthrum: John Macmillan
Felix the Ironmonger: James Acaster
Witgar the Baker: Nitin Ganatra
Ur-Nammu: Murray McArthur
Sergeant Maxen: Dino Kelly
Thane Tostig: Jason Barnett
Osmund the Leather-Maker: Ben Rufus Green
Penda The Rebel: Ben Ashenden
Queen Fritha: Victoria Broom
Alric the Painter: Matthew Cottle
Captain Gildas: Marcus Onilude
Vortimer the Farmer: Jonathan Gunning
Hengist the Crier: Adam Fray
Soldier with Mace: Mark Hillman
Servant: Samantha Glendinning
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.