The Ark – characters talkling in broad Mancunian accents – led by David Threlfall, children defying their parents and gallivanting the night away, and the whole thing filmed in a 2.35:1 cinemascope-style widescreen ratio to make it look like a biblical epic.
Yes, The Ark had it all… all those things you never asked for. It started at 8.30pm. Well, in the loosest sense of the word. In fact, it never actually felt like it got started. All of Noah’s children had the dream of the present day which was to own their own house… except in olden times with desolate landscapes and no estate agents, you actually had to build it. A roof was an optional extra.
Then, one day, Ashley Walters from So Solid Crew turned up out of the blue to tell Noah he has 21 seconds to go to build an Ark. He tells him the dimensions in cubits, leading Noah from Shameless to ask “What the fuck is a cubit??”
Mrs Noah (Joanne Whalley, still looking insanely hot at 53) thinks he’s off his head, and quite rightly too. As Frank Gallagher, David Threlfall spent the best part of a decade off his head on drugs and alcohol, and now he sounds just the same, talking a right load of old claptrap about building a big boat when it hasn’t rained for over a year.
Quite rightly, the family think he’s having a nervous breakdown, as Noah heads off to the city to tell everyone about The Ark, and also to pop into B&Q for some wood and nails. Possibly a hammer, too.
The Ark was eventually built with just 20 minutes left to go of the drama and, like Sidney Youngblood in the 1980s, all they can do, is sit and wait.
On the plus side, we didn’t get those ridiculous stone-based creatures as seen in the Russell Crowe film, Noah.
The majority of The Ark was kitchen sink drama. Without the kitchen sink, since they hadn’t been invented.
And when the flood did come… it’s like it all happened off-camera since everything went dark and we only saw everyone after it had all passed and the land was barren again. And as for the animals going two by two into the ark? Erm… there weren’t any at all! Yes, never mind “No animals were harmed during the making of this programme”, since no animals were present on set!
All we learned is that the flood Noah survived resulted in rainbows. Or something. Christ, what a pile of horseplop! In fact, the only ‘Ark’ I wanted to see was that proclaimed by Nicola Walker in the ITV drama The Last Train.
The Ark – Drama! Excitement! Action! A plot! Where were all those things? Even House of Fools makes more sense!
The Ark is released on DVD on Monday April 6th, and click on the packshot for the full-size image.
Overall Score: 1/10
Director: Kenneth Glenaan
Producer: Jules Hussey
Screenplay: Tony Jordan
Music: Magnus Fiennes
Noah: David Threlfall
Emmie: Joanne Whalley
Sabba: Antonia Thomas
Kenan: Nico Mirallegro
Salit: Emily Bevan
The Angel: Ashley Walters
Paul: Don Warrington
Aris: Georgina Campbell
Nahlab: Hannah John-Kamen
Japheth: Andrew Hawley
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.