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The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard comes to cinemas just as everything is confirmed as staying under lock and key for another few weeks.
I was disappointed with the first film because while it had an outstanding Red Band Trailer… that was pretty much all that was worth watching in it. Plus, as it was two hours in length, that’s way too long for a comedy film… around 90 mins or so is best. Perhaps they listened, since this one’s 100 minutes! We shall see if they picked up the pace overall.
As we join Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) this time, he’s up for Bodyguard of the Year… except that it’s obviously a dream, and that he’s working his way through things with his therapist (The Thick Of It‘s Rebecca Front), who’s helping him analyse them.
Whilst sunning himself up in Capri, Italy, and having a life without being a bodyguard as he tries to get his head back together, he’s quickly dragged away by Sonya Kincaid (Salma Hayek), while bullets fly all around. Once reunited with hubby, Darius (Samuel L Jackson), she says she wants to have a baby with him, although as she’s nearly 55, it’s probably unlikely. Who does she think she is – Des O’Connor?
A situation leads to all three being enlisted by the FBI, since after they bumped off some bad guys, they have to take their place and take part in a drug deal, as a way to avoid going to jail. Plus, there’s a highly sought-after device that drills into stuff and will make you rich, or something like that.
At least, I think that’s meant to be the plot, but it’s all over the place with a shootout here, a fight there, a car chase somewhere else, and the husband and wife arguing while all this palava is going on, whilst throwing in Antonio Banderas, who hams it up as comic baddie Aristotle Papadopolous.
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard rather rambles along with everyone rather sleepwalking through the script – such that it is. Ryan Reynolds sounds like he’s half-resembling his Deadpool character but with only a smidgen of the usual wit. Hayek and Jackson are enjoying themselves, too, but no-one’s really putting in any effort, including Morgan Freeman, who turns up for a few minutes to cash the cheque.
The film is the cinematic equivalent of a Big Mac: it fills a gap in the day, but it’s instantly forgettable, and you realise that you could’ve had a sirloin steak, or even gone to Burger King.
As well as both films in this series, the same director, Patrick Hughes, was also responsible for The Expendables 3. Surely, after three strikes, he should be barred from directing ever again?
I would say that no doubt a third film is on the way, but while the first film more than made its money back – a $176m return on a modest $30m budget – that hardly set the box office alight, did it?
Perhaps if it’s The One Where The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’s Dates Rachel From Friends, and they bring Jennifer Aniston into the script, I’ll watch it. And if that does end up being the title, Lionsgate, please can I have a cut of the profits?
Still, there’s some nice scenery in Italy, although in movies, whether it’s the locations named onscreen at that moment is a different matter. However, I did get one belly laugh – in the third act – out of the second layer of security, but as that comes up late in the film, I’ll leave you to discover it.
Thanks to our friends at Lionsgate Films for the access to review this film.
Finally, there’s some moments which I’ll put behind a spoiler header…
There’s a mid-credits scene:
And a post-credits scene:
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is released in cinemas now, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
Check out the trailer below:
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 100 minutes
Release date: June 14th 2021
Studio: Lionsgate Films
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic Hawk Scope)
Rating: 4/10
Director: Patrick Hughes
Producers: Christa Campbell, Lati Grobman, Matthew O’Toole
Screenplay: Tom O’Connor, Brandon Murphy, Phillip Murphy
Music: Atli Örvarsson
Cast:
Michael Bryce: Ryan Reynolds
Darius Kincaid: Samuel L Jackson
Sonia Kincaid: Salma Hayek
Bobby O’Neill: Frank Grillo
Vladislav Dukhovic: Gary Oldman
Senior: Morgan Freeman
Seifert: Richard E Grant
Magnusson: Tom Hopper
Aristotle Papadopolous: Antonio Banderas
Crowley: Caroline Goodall
Veronika: Gabriella Wright
Therapist: Rebecca Front
Bryce’s Mom: Kate Nichols
Michael Bryce’s AAA bodyguard: Marek Lichtenberg
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.