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Cleaner… Window Cleaner… that’s the job of Joey (Daisy Ridley), who’s late for work because she’s a slacker, but also just happens to be ex-army, which is mentioned because it’s bound to come up, later.
However, in her current job, if she really was outside a high window, there’s not a chance I’d be that far up in the sky!
Some rather obvious baddies turn up to an event at Agnian Energy, a green energy company, but Clive Owen et al want to expose some very dodgy building practices, proving they’re far from green; and they start hacking into the computer system while Daisy’s still outside, so despite the danger of being outside, she’s actually in the best place, overall.
As an aside, Owen’s character, Marcus, is also listed in the credits as Smiling God, with similar monikers given to the other baddies, but NEVER do those come up, so why are they even there?
Anyhoo, Agnian, run by Rufus Jones and Lee Boardman, the latter of whom has really piled on the pounds, and looks like he’s about to burst!
But, the clichés don’t take long to appear… When anyone gets shot, they always die instantly, and with just one bullet.
For the police, they’re a bunch of morons, since while Joey only has her cradle to stop her falling, the powers that be decide to dangle a random bomb in her direction – to no particular avail when it goes off, and it sends her cradle crashing to the ground, but she’s oddly resourceful, and is left clinging to the outside of the building like Spider-Man!
Sadly, despite being in the cast, Clive Owen’s character is pretty much a footnote, and when Joey’s cradle by the window is still in place, events cause it to drops from the horizontal twice. So, bad continuity.
Owen was equally bad in Gemini Man, but the stupidly-named Taz Skyler takes the lead baddie role, Noah, but even then, he’s less menacing, and more ‘angry school bully’.
To say the baddies are of the cardbard-cutout variety is an insult to cardboard, and are as thin as paper. Then again, we also have Daisy Ridley, who proved in her Star Wars films that she has the personality of a doorstop. Plus, any fights she has with baddies are so perfunctory that I’m surprised she didn’t get a paper cut!
What is the demand of the baddies? No idea. It was never clear, but they did occasionally go blah-blahing on about “climate change”.
There was once a film you might’ve heard of, where baddies took over a tall building, and one individual just happened to be separated from all the hostages. It was called Die Hard.
Cleaner is so bad, it’s more like Dies On Its Arse.
In fact, it’s worse than that. It’s an absolutely embarrassing pile of fucking dogshit. Plus, it comes from Martin Campbell, director of Goldeneye, the best-ever James Bond movie, from 30 years. He should hang his head in shame, forever, and at 82, proves he should’ve long since retired.
And, how come if requires SEVEN producers on the payroll? What the fuck are they doing?! Even a major Hollywood release can get away with one or two.
Oh, and when I see baddies walking across metal platforms, they use the exact same sound effect as in the game, Thief II: The Metal Age.
Additionally, this film tries to introduce an element of issues into it, as Joey’s brother, Michael (Matthew Tuck), is autistic. Why? It has no relevance to the plot, and he barely has anything to do, other than foil one baddie at some point, adding yet another box-ticking cliché.
Thanks to our friends at Sky for the screener prior to release.
Cleaner is on Sky Cinema and NOW TV from Friday May 2nd, but isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD. However, once announced, it will appear on the New DVD Blu-ray 3D and 4K releases UK list.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 97 minutes
Release date: May 1st 2025
Studio: Sky Cinema
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1
Rating: 0/10
Director: Martin Campbell
Producers: Chris Arthur, Cindy Cowan, Thomas Fanning, Gavin Glendinning, Callum Grant, Michael Kuhn, Sebastien Raybaud
Screenplay: Simon Uttley, Paul Andrew Williams, Matthew Orton
Music: Tom Hodge
Cast:
Joey: Daisy Ridley
Marcus / Smiling God: Clive Owen
Noah / Wrathful God: Taz Skyler
Michael: Matthew Tuck
Zee / Quizzical God: Flavia Watson
Leon / Frightened God: Tom Boney
Big Ron: Russell De Rozario
Gerald Milton: Lee Boardman
Jennifer: Stella Stocker
Geoffrey Milton: Rufus Jones
Halina: Sol E Romero
Derek: Gavin Fleming
Kate: Celine Arden
Freya: Melissa Humler
Young Joey: Poppy Townsend White
Young Michael: Dudley Watts
Joey’s Father: Calvin Warrington-Heasman
Joey’s Mother: Andrea Diac
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.