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Fifty Shades Darker returned the mismatched pair to the big screen where we learn Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) had a troubled childhood, similar to how this film series had a troubled history when original director, Sam Taylor-Johnson, left, and James Foley took over, causing the delay in filming.
There’s trouble in the state of Denmark with the state of their relationship. Did they split up at the end of Fifty Shades of Grey? I can’t remember; I’ve had a sleep since then. Regardless of any issues, it doesn’t take long before she lets him between her legs again, and he can’t even be bothered to take off his jeans.
And when he unbuckles his trousers, before getting down to business, why doesn’t he wash his hands immediately afterwards? The last time he would’ve buckled them up is just after he last used the toilet. Similarly, look at when he’s doing his shoelaces up in the lift… since they would’ve ended up trailing the ground in all the dog faeces… let that sink in.
Anyhoo, she wants “kinky fuckery”, he has love balls and once again, she returns to his S&M dungeon, but who does the cleaning? And do they have to sign a non-disclosure agreement when they take the job? And since he has regular sex with lots of women, does he get tested for AIDS and other diseases on a regular basis? Some or none of these questions will be answered in the next two hours.
Oh, and there’s also a strange girl appearing here and there, who’ll attempt to make her presence felt later.
Marcia Gay Harden, as Mrs Grey, proves that it’s not him that’s getting ‘harden’, but her face since she’s filled it with that much botox. Then again, she has competition in that from Kim Basinger, who looks just as ridiculous. Please, ladies, just embrace your looks naturally – you look far better!
Fifty Shades Darker proves that it doesn’t matter who’s directing, traditional Hollywood struggles to make a sex scene exciting. Plus, I still don’t get why she’s so into him when he’s such a control freak.
There’s occasionally interesting plot developments such as Ana showing everyone up in the editor’s meeting, plus the following exchange down at their local Aldi, seemingly an alien concept to him:
- Anastasia: “When’s the last time you went shopping?”
Christian: “Houston. A week ago.”
Anastasia: “What’d you buy?”
Christian: “An airline.”
However, the film falters the most when it starts getting down to the sexual shenanigans, as the two leads don’t have much in the way of chemistry and, again, Mr Dornan has done that body-building thing of draining his body of water to give his arms and legs the veiny look. Sylvester Stallone once said in an interview that this is not a situation you can maintain, as it’s just not healthy.
There’s also a mid-credits sequence, which I’ll hide behind a spoiler:
Fifty Shades Darker Unmasked Edition is available to buy on Blu-ray, Limited Edition Blu-ray, Amazon Prime, DVD, plus the CD soundtrack now. Also, click on the packshot for the full-size image.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 132 minutes
Studio: Universal Pictures UK
Year: 2017
Format: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic Panavision, Dolby Vision)
Rating: 1/10
Director: James Foley
Producers: Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca, EL James and Marcus Viscidi
Screenplay: Niall Leonard (based on the novel by EL James)
Music: Danny Elfman
Cast:
Anastasia Steele: Dakota Johnson
Christian Grey: Jamie Dornan
Jack Hyde: Eric Johnson
Kate: Eloise Mumford
Leila: Bella Heathcote
Mia Grey: Rita Ora
Elliot Grey: Luke Grimes
José: Victor Rasuk
Taylor: Max Martini
Jerry Roach: Bruce Altman
Elena Lincoln: Kim Basinger
Grace Trevelyan Grey: Marcia Gay Harden
Carrick Grey: Andrew Airlie
Ros Bailey: Robinne Lee
Liz: Amy Price-Francis
Mrs. Jones: Fay Masterson
Carla: Jennifer Ehle (uncredited)
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.