Even in the opening Universal logo, it eschews the studio’s usual fanfare for its own ‘sad music’ tones, making it seem almost embarrassed to exist.
This time round, Ana (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) are now married, but life’s no longer going to be a party once he stops being able to get it up… maybe. Someone tries to blow up his business, but is that the same person who’s also trying to run them off the road, later on? Ooh, the plot thinnens!!!
Along the way, she wants to have kids, while he’s not so sure, but then why would she want to start a family with him when he quickly shows himself up to be rude and a controlling nob-end?
Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) also wants to make trouble for Ana and Grey, after he was fired in the last film, while there’s another marriage proposal amongst their friends, but god knows why since they’re all so bloody drippy!
On the plus side, I like that she tells him to shave. Beards are so stupid. It’s also amusing when she tells other women to remember their place when it comes to dealing with her and her new hubby, since one is making eyes at him, whilst treating her as if she doesn’t exist.
However, this begs the question: Since he’s so unshaven on his face, why does he then take the time to purposely remove the hair on his forearms? Just makes him look like one of those show-off dicks in the gym.
Beyond that slight bit of humour, unless you care about the two of them having a lot of “How’s your father”, this is a thoroughly boring movie with nothing going on – a bit like watching an episode of Eastenders or Corrie, and with about as much thought given to the script.
There’s also a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance from Kim Basinger, whose turn, this time, is uncredited. Given the amount of botox in her face, this one-time Batman star ‘Vicky Vale’ looks more like Mr Freeze!!!!
Fifty Shades Freed is is easily the most boring film I’ve seen all year.
And… spoiler alert
After this trilogy, author EL James wrote Grey, looking at the first movie’s events solely from the position of Christian. It spawned an equivalent version of the second movie, called Darker – with no third book yet released, but will we get the movie versions? Well, the first film had a budget of $40m and took £571m worldwide. The sequels each cost $55m to make and each took around $375m, so still a healthy profit, but a lot of people will only have gone to see No.3 because they are already invested in the series and want to see how it ends.
Running time: 110 minutes
Studio: Universal Pictures UK
Format: 2.39:1 (Anamorphic Panavision, Dolby Vision)
Director: James Foley
Producers: Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca, EL James and Marcus Viscidi
Screenplay: Niall Leonard (based on the novel by EL James)
Music: Danny Elfman
Anastasia Steele: Dakota Johnson
Christian Grey: Jamie Dornan
Jack Hyde: Eric Johnson
Kate Kavanagh: Eloise Mumford
Leila: Bella Heathcote
Mia Grey: Rita Ora
Elliot Grey: Luke Grimes
José: Victor Rasuk
Taylor: Max Martini
Jerry Roach: Bruce Altman
Elena Lincoln: Kim Basinger
Carla: Jennifer Ehle
Gia Matteo: Arielle Kebbel
Ray: Callum Keith Rennie
Ros Bailey: Robinne Lee
Sawyer: Brant Daugherty
Carrick Grey: Andrew Airlie
Liz: Amy Price-Francis
Mrs. Jones: Fay Masterson
Hannah: Ashleigh LaThrop
Boyce Fox: Tyler Hoechlin
Prescott: Kirsten Alter
Detective Clark: Hiro Kanagawa
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.