Mike Leigh will helm the fifth film in the Transformers series which will be produced from a script written by Ehren Kruger, who wrote Transformers: Age of Extinction, which took us back to 65billion years ago and the age of dinosaurs.
The fifth entry in the series, subtitled Rise of the Northerners, will take us back to Manchester, in 1984, during the time of the Miners’ Strike, and whereas Pride told the tale of Mark Ashton and Dominic West taking umbrage against the closure of the coal mines in Wales and everywhere else – while being based in London, Kruger’s script will tell the true story of how Optimus Prime and Megatron – voiced by Christopher Eccleston and Arthur Scargill respectively – will break out of the ground, from underneath Piccadilly Gardens in Manchester Town Centre, bash seven shades of shinola out of each other, and then fly over to Wales where they’ll first confront Margaret Thatcher over a cup of coffee, which naturally fails to resolve things.
The final showdown will take place in the nearby coal pits where, after millennia of bickering, Optimus Prime and Megatron finally decide to put their differences aside to defeat a bigger foe, but then there is a surprise. A huge noise emits in the distance, amongst the trees, Optimus is seem to shout, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” and then they have to take down the dreaded Thatcherbot!
Mark Wahlberg will reprise his role again as Cade Yeagher, but this time he will be dubbed in the UK by Bernard Hill, best known as Yosser Hughes in Alan Bennett’s The Blackstuff Boys, made before he went on to captain the RMS Titanic, where he sadly lost his life.
Nicola Peltz will return as his slutty teenage daughter, Tessa, but due to the world recession, the budget has been slashed from $3.22bn to $3.21bn, so they can’t afford to pay her to speak, and her role will be a silent one. She will, therefore, simply hang about in a bikini in every other scene. Which is fine by me.
Stanley Tucci is back as DCI Morton from Fortitude, or Joshua Joyce from the last Transformers film… it doesn’t really matter which, since he acts the same in everything.
And Gill Wembley will also return, once again portrayed by James Bachman, from the BBC TV sketch show series, Sorry I’ve Got No Head, because he’s awesome.
Michael Bay has chosen not to direct this fifth instalment, but will still be on hand to be an executive producer… which means he’ll hang about and make a skinny latte for whoever requests one.
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.