Wicker… Alan Whicker…
No, not quite, but in a medieval-set film without any actual character names, The Fisherwoman (Olivia Colman – Wicked Little Letters) is the only female in the village who can’t find a husband because, quite frankly, her occupation means she stinks all day, so her only hope lies in The Basketmaker (Peter Dinklage – Roofman), posing him the challenge to make her a husband.
One he somehow whips up within a month, resulting in The Wicker Husband (Alexander Skarsgård – Charli XCX’s The Moment), who’s so good in bed, he can fix it after the break it!
Cue a lot of disdain from all the women in the town, because they’re not getting so much attention from their flesh-born other halves.
As he turns up, and before we actually see the husband, we hear his voice as he goes about the town asking for clothes, being told by The Tailor (Nabhaan Rizwan – Agatha Christie’s Seven Dials), “The cock should fit”, and later, the look on Olivia’s face clearly indicating how tight his measurements are.
There’s a lot of such humour early on, as you can hear his burgeoning erection – offscreen – at their wedding ceremony, and a bit later on when one man suffers a painful foot injury, leading to The Doctor’s (Richard E Grant – Wildwood) questionable methods about how to resolve the issue.
However, it does rather falter a bit in the second half, as it runs around 20 minutes too long, with more of the same happening too often – and amongst too many characters, as well as a lack of humour at that point, before events come together for a decent finale.
As an aside, why has this film got THIRTEEN PRODUCERS? Not even the pointless ‘executive producer’ credit, but actuall producers. They can’t ALL have their hands on the wheel, surely?
Wicker is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on Blu-ray and DVD.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 105 minutes
Release date: October 30th 2026
Studio: Black Bear
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cinema: Odeon Trafford Centre
Rating: 7/10
Directors: Alex Huston Fischer, Eleanor Wilson
Producers: Tom Carver, Justin Lothrop, Ed Sinclair, Brad Zimmerman, Michael Bloom, Lia Buman, Olivia Colman, Andrea Cornwell, Tim Headington, Ryan Heller, Oliver Kassman, David Michôd, Brent Stiefel
Screenplay: Alex Huston Fischer, Eleanor Wilson
Based on the short story ‘The Wicker Husband’ by Ursula Wills
Music: Anna Meredith
Cast:
The Fisherwoman: Olivia Colman
The Wicker Husband: Alexander Skarsgård
The Basketmaker: Peter Dinklage
The Bottlewasher: Gustav Lindh
The Drunk: Máté Mészáros
The Innkeeper: Kiell Smith-Bynoe
The Shoemaker: Scott Alexander Young
The Bakerman: Ben Ashenden
The Bakerwoman: Ella Bruccoleri
The Innkeeper’s Wife: Emily Lloyd-Saini
The Bottlewasher’s Wife: Marli Siu
The Tailor’s Wife: Elizabeth Debicki
The Butcher: Phil Daniels
The Minister: Daniel Bellus
The Wicker Woman: Dorottya Talpassy
The Baker’s Daughter: Evelyn Crow
The Tailor: Nabhaan Rizwan
The Shoemaker’s Wife: Shobu Kapoor
The Butcher’s Bride: Abigél Szőke
The Chandler’s Wife: Rebecka Johnston
The Gravedigger Boy: Anders Grundberg
The Doctor: Richard E Grant
The Other Gravedigger Boy: Lorenzo Mariano
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.