On the plus side, at least this is less than two hours in length, rather than rambling on forever like some movies.
Bad stuff is going down at Apex Cybernetics. Whistleblower Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry) wants to highlight their lies, and for reasons that don’t really matter, he’s teamed up with Madison (Millie Bobby Brown) – to bring her back into it for no reason other than she became a main star last time – and her friend, Josh (Julian Dennison, Deadpool 2), because most action films need an oversized comedic fall guy who isn’t funny. Bernie, himself, is clearly quite an unhinged adult, while the other two aren’t even 18. Plus, he’s an alcoholic because his wife, Sarah, died.
Yep, this must’ve taken about two minutes to write, so it’s staggering that three people completed the story, and another two for the screenplay, and even then, this threesome’s actions are completely and utter redundant, as nothing would’ve changed had they not been present.
The problem that the characters face is that Godzilla’s on the rampage, shooting stuff down… other stuff blows up big-time as he destroys Florida, and everyone’s upset that he’s kicking off. Of course, if he’d come over to the UK to do this in Stockport, he could have caused £50,000 worth of home improvements!
Also, why do they always think that firing missles at it will do anything, when not even a nuclear bomb could in 2014?
Anyhoo, Kong’s first seen in a forest, although it’s not a real forest, as he’s in a containment facility on Skull Island. The deal, this time, is that there’s an ecosystem as vast as any ocean beneath our feet… yep, it’s just some nonsense Maguffin for which if they can find it and harness its power, they can sort out Godzilla.
The apparent reason this will fix things is something called The Hollow Earth, and with inversion of gravity, or something. We’re told Nathan’s (Alexander Skarsgård) offscreen brother died when he tried it last time, but uber-rich businessman Walter Simmons (Demián Bichir) has a special ship that can do it with ease.
Apparently, there’s been some discussion about who’s bigger: Godzilla or Kong? Well, both of them are dwarfed by Alison Hammond.
The first fight between the two Titans comes around 40 minutes into it, and last a few minutes while humans just look on, gawping. A decent action film would throw in a slew of one-liners. Here, there are none. How tedious.
Expert Ilene (Rebecca Hall) – in whatever field in which she’s an expert – has a deaf child, Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who largely feels like she’s there just to tick a diversity box, although we learn there’s some sort of bonding experince between Kong and the girl, who discovers the big ape is a bit upset because he’s “sad and angry“. Yes, she has taught Kong sign language…
Plus, Eiza González (Baby Driver), is on hand as Maya Simmons, the snotty daughter to snotty businessman Simmons. I think, anyway. Quite frankly, it doesn’t bloody matter. She’s just there, and in an eternal snotty mood.
It’s got some nice, silly CGI, but ultimately, it’s a load of complete crap that makes no sense. Maybe if you want a load of mindless crash/bash/smash, it does come after a short while longer, but…
Later on, when it actually got to the ‘Godzilla Vs Kong’ part (top pic, where they’re showing zero signs of social distancing), I just kept speculating how many billions it would cost to right everything they destroyed. There was about 20 “9/11″s in there.
However, we’re getting big screen ‘spectacle’ on the small screen at the moment. Even then, it would still have made me yawn for nearly two hours.
I was really hoping for big things from director Adam Wingard, who also made Death Note, The Guest, with Dan Stevens, but also the so-so You’re Next. Alas, it feels like he’s not involved at all, as Godzilla Vs Kong just feels like one of those films that’s ‘made by committee’. Plus, everyone mutters so a lot of the dialogue is muffled. I wish subtitles had been available on the version I watched.
Oh, and if you’re asking, this time, there’s no post-credits scene. I guess they haven’t thought as far ahead as a fifth film.
Godzilla Vs Kong is available to rent on Amazon Video from today. However, it’s not available available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
A full list of forthcoming Blu-rays, DVDs, 4K and 3D Blu-rays are available to pre-order here.
You can buy the Godzilla vs. Kong: One Will Fall: The Art of the Ultimate Battle Royale Hardcover (Illustrated), Godzilla vs. Kong Coloring Book: A Stunning Coloring Book, and you can buy the novelisation of this film (whatever the point of that is) in Paperback and Kindle.
Check out the trailer below:
Running time: 113 minutes
Release date: April 1st 2021
Studio: Warner Bros
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (ARRIRAW (6.5K), Dolby Vision)
Director: Adam Wingard
Producers: Jon Jashni, Eric McLeod, Mary Parent, Brian Rogers, Alex Garcia, Thomas Tull
Screenplay: Eric Pearson, Max Borenstein
Story: Terry Rossio, Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields
Music: Junkie XL (as Tom Holkenborg)
Nathan Lind: Alexander Skarsgård
Madison Russell: Millie Bobby Brown
Ilene Andrews: Rebecca Hall
Bernie Hayes: Brian Tyree Henry
Ren Serizawa: Shun Oguri
Maya Simmons: Eiza González
Josh Valentine: Julian Dennison
Monarch Director: Lance Reddick
Mark Russell: Kyle Chandler
Walter Simmons: Demián Bichir
Jia: Kaylee Hottle
Admiral Wilcox: Hakeem Kae-Kazim
Jay Wayne: Ronny Chieng
Horace: John Pirruccello
Ben: Chris Chalk
Hayworth: Daniel Nelson
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.