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Road House (2024) comes 35 years after the original, starring the late, great Patrick Swayze, with Jake Gyllenhaal taking the role of human punchbag Dalton.
It’s been some time since I saw the original, and Jake is more the kind of actor to take the indie/bizarre route, such as with the excellent Nightcrawler, or just plain weird Enemy. However, while I wasn’t a fan of Tom Holland’s Spider-Man Homecoming, I mostly skipped the sequel, flicking through it just to see Jake’s scenes, and he did look like he was taking a busman’s holiday.
Still, he puts in the effort almost every other time, and that includes the exceptional Donnie Darko, which also features Mr Swayze!
However, this remake also features the talent of director Doug Liman, so good with the likes of Mr And Mrs Smith, Edge Of Tomorrow, The Wall, American Made, Go and The Bourne Identity (the best one of that series – shame he didn’t do more). Then again, he was also responsible for the mediocre Chaos Walking.
About the plot, and Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a UFC cage fighter who can’t seem to find a regular job, so drifts from town to town like The Littlest Hobo, this time becoming a bouncer in the titular bar. I hope this is a job which comes with health benefits, given how one customer soon stabs him outside, following an altercation.
This lucky job comes about thanks to the owner, Frankie (Jessica Williams – Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore), who wants to pay him $5K/week – because that’s clearly the minimum wage during a recession, and in a bar where few people seem to pay for many drinks before trashing the place and then running off.
Cue some cardboard cut-out baddies who turn up to kick off, led by Dell (JD Pardo – Hypnotic), despite looking as threatening as Laurel & Hardy, and would normally be quickly chucked out.
And just when you think there’s only one meathead baddie, another two turn up, one being angry Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen – No Time To Die) – who’s having a cut-throat shave on a yacht while on a stormy sea. It’s like he thinks he’s Robert De Niro in The Untouchables. However, it’s clear he’s just had a clean shave already, prior to filming the scene, and I’m sure he’s old enough and ugly enough to do it himself. Plus, for any cuts, it serves him right for constantly moving his head about.
The other is Mixed Martial Artist (it says here) Conor McGregor (Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare), really overemphasising his Oirish accent as Knox, and you don’t really know what any of them want, other than to have a fight with anyone, and kill Dalton. Even after watching this, I really have no idea why any of them got involved, and if they’d been told who was the lead character in the film, I think they’d know whether or not to fancy their chances.
Most of the time, Dalton nonchalantly wanders about like an AI character in GTA V, he falls for Portuguese nurse Ellie (Daniela Melchior – Fast X), and there’s a good scene when he gets run over by a truck, which looks unfortunate rather than on purpose. This also leads to some good direction during the fights, making this feel more like a videogame – and maybe Liman should’ve directed the 2021 Mortal Kombat movie, instead – one of these also features Metallica’s Enter Sandman, which helped keep me awake.
Overall, sadly, Road House does feel very by-the-numbers and like both Jake & Liman are doing it for the cash. Okay, I get that, and a lot of women will be pleased to see the former with his shirt off, but for me, it does make me wonder why they bothered making it, when it adds nothing to the original, just meanders along for a long time, and they may as well just have renamed it “Let’s Punch Each Other In The Face For Two Hours”.
On the plus side, it’s quite amusing at times – including the boat chase in the final act, but it won’t be queueing up for Oscars next time round, and just feels like the script was written by AI.
And how does a bar stay open, when it basically turns into a crime scene every night, with copious amounts of blood splatter all over the place? Police would normally just shut places like that down. Here, they’re nowhere to be seen! Must be the jurisdiction of Greater Manchester Police.
Road House (2024) is on Prime Video from Thursday March 21st but the film isn’t yet available to pre-order on Blu-ray or DVD.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 121 minutes
Release date: March 21st 2024
Studio: Prime Video
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 (Redcode RAW (6K,8K))
Rating: 3/10
Director: Doug Liman
Producer: Joel Silver
Screenplay: Anthony Bagarozzi, Charles Mondry
Music: Christophe Beck
Cast:
Dalton: Jake Gyllenhaal
Ellie: Daniela Melchior
Knox: Conor McGregor
Ben Brandt: Billy Magnussen
Frankie: Jessica Williams
Laura: BK Cannon
Sheriff: Joaquim de Almeida
Carter: Post Malone (as Austin Post)
Dex: Travis Van Winkle
Sheriff’s Deputies: Cesar Baez, Franklin Romero Jr
Billy: Lukas Gage
Reef: Dominique Columbus
Moe: Arturo Castro
Clyde: Catfish Jean
Outlaw Chad: Chad Guerrero
Dell: JD Pardo
Vince: Beau Knapp
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.