The Eaters Of Light sees Doctor Who series 10 practically crashing into the sun, it’s so bad, opening with kids hearing things, an inscription of the TARDIS on some stone, and a crow is… er… crowing, “Doc-Tor”.
This crap really is being aimed at five-year-olds!!
Anyhoo, there’s a beast called the Eater of Light… and he doesn’t answer 99.9% of the questions correctly on The Chase!
While chancing across the Romans from the Ninth Legion, Bill was splattered by the beast’s juice, causing her to collapse. Will they finally Kill Bill?? If not this week, then there’s only two more episodes to go. Sadly, her life was spared.
On the other side of the land in a Pictish civilisation – whatever that is, there’s a tribe of these nomads, all of whom are no older than 18. The same, age-wise, goes for the Romans, too, since all the adults had been slain in a big battle, meaning those left on both sides were as effective as The Red Hang Gang (old ’80s reference).
So, what went wrong in this world? Well Pictish girl Kar, the Gatekeeper, had a plan to allow the beast in to kill all the baddie Romans, but she couldn’t put the genie back in the bottle and now it’s tearing shit up in her world, too. D’oh!
When everyone finally got together, rather than fight amongst themselves, the Doctor tried to make them join forces to fight the beast – yes, such an old idea again and again. And when it happens weekly, it gets very tired indeed.
Oh, but for a band of people from Ancient Roman times, they’re all very hip about being gay or lesbian… or are they futuristic Ancient Romans? My head hurts.
At the heart of it all was a big supernatural gate – hence that Gatekeeper business – which The Doctor witnessed for seconds, but when he emerged from the cave, 2 days and 8 hours had passed. It’s an “inter-dimensional temperal rift” – a bit like Interstellar. Or the Shatner’s Bassoon from Brass Eye.
From out of nowhere came a device with optical cancellation properties can poison the beast… got all that?
But what’s the coming over the hill, is it ia monster, or is a monster?? Or is it a beast – they don’t know what to call it.
Sadly, The Eaters Of Light was another episode full of mostly set-up, then five minutes of action to resolve it… and that’s it.And it was an utterly bollocks case of self-sacrifice when all they had to do was wave that poison stick at the beast until the gate closed again… but rather than stay safe, they all wade in?? WTF?!! Just nonsense.
Once all was done and dusted and they got back to the TARDIS, Missy was out of the vault again. How? Because The Doctor let her. Are they friends again? The Doctor hopes so, but as he tells her “That’s the trouble with hope. It’s hard to resist.”
And that was one of the few engaging lines of dialogue in the whole episode, as were The Doctor’s lines how all crows in the future talk, but it’s like they went into a huff and are now in a sulk because humans gave up having intelligent conversations with them, as well as “I’ve lived in Roman Britain – Goverened… Farmed… Juggled!”
Out of what I’m seeing, here, Peter Capaldi and Michelle Gomez are entertaining to watch, but beyond that, it’s utter plot-by-numbers junk.
Next week: Missy and Bill meet the Blue Man Group, there’s a 400-mile ship under a gravitational pull into a black hole and a Mondasian Cyberman, plus The Master is back.
The Eaters Of Light is available on the BBC iPlayer until one week after the series ends.
Individual episodes can be bought in HD and SD here.
Director: Charles Palmer
Producer: Nikki Wilson
Executive Producers: Steven Moffat and Brian Minchin
Writer: Rona Munro
Music: Murray Gold
The Doctor: Peter Capaldi
Bill: Pearl Mackie
Nardole: Matt Lucas
Missy: Michelle Gomez
Kar: Rebecca Benson
Ban: Daniel Kerr
Lucius: Brian Vernel
Simon: Rohan Nedd
Thracius: Ben Hunter
Vitus: Sam Adewunmi
Cornelius: Billy Matthews
Marcus: Aaron Phagura
Judy: Jocelyn Brassington
Brother: Lewis McGowan
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.