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The Super Mario Bros Movie… how did it come to this, that I thought I’d watch this in the cinema?
Well, while looking to see what was out that weekend, Suzume was certainly of interest, but I like to double-bill when I can, and since this was showing on 300 of the screens in my local fleapit… yes, it was that time. Plus, it was on one of their biggest regular screens (screen 8).
There’s a relatively short running time for this movie compared to most, at just 92 minutes in length, but there’s still time for Bowser to make his presence felt early on, by forcing entry into the Snow Kingdom which, to my eyes, looked like it was ruled by Pingu and his family. Yes, I’m not massively up on the lore… I love the 2D games in the series without thinking about them too much, but the 3D open-world entries leave me a bit cold.
An initial thought about the main characters, though, was: Isn’t Chris Pratt (Thor: Love And Thunder) in too many movies? As Mario, he doesn’t sound in the least bit Italian, and doesn’t even bother to attempt the accent, unless it’s a cursory, “Let’s-a-go!”
Still, to the tune of The Beastie Boys’ No Sleep Till Brooklyn (since that’s their home city), they set off to their first plumbing job, running along a building site – which is done in a similar style to the handheld Donkey Kong game I owned in 1983, and which was then broken by a so-called friend over the summer holidays who just washed his hands of the whole thing afterwards (why didn’t I just punch him?), despite later ending up with another friend’s handheld of the same game.
Oh, and if you’re wondering whether this film included these lyrics from the song…
- # Trashing hotels like it’s going out of style
Getting paid along the way ’cause it’s worth your while
Four on the floor, Ad Rock’s out the door
MCA’s in the back because he’s skeezin’ with a whore #
It did not.
I then had another question: Why are they “The Super Mario Bros”, when Mario is the first name of only one of them? Well, apparently, their surname is also Mario. So, Mario is Mario Mario! Erm… that doesn’t make much sense. Reminds me of when I was at school and a geography book was written by Martin Martin. What sort of parents would do that to their kid?!
But no time for such trivialities, since to save the city, they go underground after trying to fix a water leak, even though, surely the local council would do all this? No private contractors would do that in reality.
On their way to the Mushroom Kingdom (it doesn’t really matter how or why), Mario and Luigi (Charlie Day – I Want You Back) get separated, with Toad (Keegan-Michael Key – The Pentaverate) escorting the former to meet Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy – The Menu), who teaches him about power-up mushrooms and how to use them, despite the fact he hates mushrooms. Personally, I’m not a huge fan, since they don’t really taste of anything, which seems a wasted opportunity by Mother Nature. Still, it’s another chance to hear the cultural staple that is A-Ha’s Take On Me during this scene. And it’s a scene where Mario is trying a zillion ways to complete a particular course, which he finds as tough as I’m currently finding Bunker II in Goldeneye 007 on Xbox Game Pass. Damn, that’s a hard level!
Another important question: Since Princess Peach has an incredibly tight butt, she could have the pick of any eligible young batchelor, so why would she waste her time on hairy Mario Mario?
And as an aside, since Bowser is played by Jack Black (Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle), he gets a chance to sing about Princess Peach and how he wants to make her his wife. Come on, love, you can do better!
Overall, The Super Mario Bros Movie has nice visuals to rival a sugary sweet overdose, but such a lazy script which is entirely plotless rubbish. Still, we’ll get at least one more movie, since this has taken a fortune at the box-office. It cost $100m to make, and since its released two weeks ago, it’s taken $710m worldwide.
As such, it’s unfortunate for Dungeons and Dragons: Honour Among Thieves, which was much better, yet will have suffered by being a family movie that was released just one week prior to this, so will go by largely ignored, and thus, is unlikely to get a sequel, although apparently a TV series spin-off is being planned. That could work better given the amount of content to explore within the D&D world.
This 2023 outing also comes out thirty years after the much-derided Super Mario Bros movie from 1993. Sure, that was bad (albeit not as much as this), but there’s a brilliant hour-long extra on the Blu-ray, during which directors Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel tell how the original script was a darker version than the one which ended up onscreen, along with all the problems they faced in trying to bring their vision to the screen. It would’ve been nice to see the intended version, rather than what the studio forced them into presenting.
The Super Mario Bros Movie also features plenty of game references including how Luigi’s phone rings with the start-up jingle from the Nintendo Gamecube, plus you see him playing the Donkey Kong arcade game in the background, there’s a NES console being played by Mario, plus a Mario Kart scene, as they have to get from A to B.
There’s also brief mid- and post-credits scenes. If you left early, check out the video above, but Good Lord, it’s only 92 minutes in length! One man in the audience even went to the toilet TWICE! Tie a knot in it!!!
The Super Mario Bros Movie is in cinemas now, and is available to pre-order on 4K Blu-ray, 4K Blu-ray Steelbook, Blu-ray, Amazon Prime and DVD.
Detailed specs:
Cert: 
Running time: 92 minutes
Release date: April 14th 2023
Studio: Universal Pictures UK
Format: 2.39:1 (Dolby Vision)
Cinema: Cineworld Didsbury
Rating: 3/10
Directors: Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic, Pierre Leduc, Fabien Polack
Producers: Christopher Meledandri, Shigeru Miyamoto
Screenplay: Matthew Fogel
Music: Brian Tyler, Koji Kondo (original Nintendo themes)
Voice cast:
Mario: Chris Pratt
Luigi: Charlie Day
Princess Peach: Anya Taylor-Joy
Bowser: Jack Black
Toad: Keegan-Michael Key
Penguin King: Khary Payton
Mario’s Dad / Giuseppe: Charles Martinet
Spike: Sebastian Maniscalco
Kamek: Kevin Michael Richardson
Uncle Tony: Rino Romano
Uncle Arthur: John DiMaggio
Mario’s Mom: Jessica DiCicco
Toad General: Eric Bauza
Cranky Kong: Fred Armisen
Donkey Kong: Seth Rogen
Lumalee: Juliet Jelenic
Koopa General: Scott Menville
Reviewer of movies, videogames and music since 1994. Aortic valve operation survivor from the same year. Running DVDfever.co.uk since 2000. Nobel Peace Prize winner 2021.