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Ash Attacks...

No.4: Penny Haslam

Online: 22nd April 2004

Warning: the following page contains the truth.

Just be glad pictures are silent!

Now, don't get me wrong. I love comedy, and BBC7 was one of the best things that the BBC ever did for this country - all those superb comedy radio programmes that will never get a repeat anywhere else, especially not in prime Radio 4 slots, or at least very rarely, and now they even have the "Listen Again" feature which allows you to... er... listen again to programmes if you missed them the first time, over the next seven days following the broadcast.

My favourite shows on this channel include The 99p Challenge, with its closing music of "99 Red Balloons" and its one-series predecessor, King Stupid, in which the contestants have to answer questions and the winner will go on to gamble everything for the mammoth prize of... 99p! With its host Sue Perkins, and regular contributors including Simon Pegg (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Peter Serafinowicz (Look Around You, Hardware), Armando Iannucci and Peter Baynham (both from Alan Partridge, Friday/Saturday Night Armistice), this is one to treasure. Other classic BBC comedy includes Concrete Cow, featuring many of the cast of Channel 4's Peep Show, Delve Special, Stephen Fry's precursor to the TV series, This is David Lander and Lionel Nimrod's Inexplicable World, Tom Baker's precursor to Little Britain.

Other gems come in the form of KYTV precursor, Radio Active, I can't get enough of The Shuttleworths and The Mary Whitehouse Experience and if you're a fan of the Comedy Store Players, make a point of listening out for The Masterson Inheritance as many of the regulars feature in that.

The BBC7 logo.

So, where does it all go wrong, and where does this issue's incumbent feature in all this? That's because Penny Haslam is the continuity announcer on BBC7's Comedy Zone, and she's on every weeknight from Monday to Friday, every other week, alternating with the less-irritating Alex Riley.

It's hard to get across without hearing her voice just what a fucking annoying woman this is, making her seem like BBC7's radio equivalent of Sky One's motormouth-talking-over-the-end-credits-chief-fucknut Claire Sturgess, and the way Ms. Haslam keeps chipping in to the end of programmes before they've finished with those chirpy and "oh-so fucking hilarious" comments that she thinks are funny but just make me want to pour hydrochloric acid into her eyes.

It'll be best to give examples, so let's see if you can make it through all seven of them, and whether you agree that she really deserves to have her tongue pulled out and her voice box dissected just to make sure:

1. Penny introduces The 99p Challenge
2. Penny thinks she knows about football
3. Gush, gush, fucking gush! Or, just fuck off, Penny!
4. Penny - you just want to smack her in the mouth!
5. Penny, what the fuck are you talking about?
6. Penny signs off for the night

7. No, Penny, Spaced was actually on Channel 4, you dozy bitch

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Ash Attacks...

No.4: Penny Haslam

Online: 22nd April 2004

Warning: the following page contains the truth.

Page Content copyright © Ash, 2004.

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